Round 7........... And I'm Ecstatic!!

Yesterday I started my seventh chemo treatment and will finish it tomorrow. My husband and I got great news. My onocologist took me off the Eloxatin because the neuropathy in hands, feet and throat has become worst. My fingers are numb as are my lips and the problems with my throat are not fun. I feel like I'm choking or after eating I feel like the food is stuck in my throat. I have a film in my mouth that never goes away and I'm sure that's one of the reasons that I can taste food less and less. So I'm so excited to hopefully get rid of some of these symptoms. Now I'm on the traditional 5Fu and Leucovorin combination. And I only have to do ten treatments!!! I could hardly contain myself. My husband and I just wanted to leave and celebrate for the rest of the day. We're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For the next five years I'll be seeing my oncologist every three months for blood tests, cat scans, and yearly colonoscopies. At the end of five years if they don't find any more cancer I'll be considered cancer free. What a learning experience this has been! I know I'll never be the same after this trial.
As I sat in the infusion room yesterday I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings that we have been showered with since this all began last October. One of my blessings has been to meet incredible, brave patients and hearing their stories. It's a blessing to understand their challenges as we have so much in common in our battle to beat cancer and to be able to try to uplift and encourage each other. The infusion nurses are our angels each week as they try to help us with our side effects and administering our treatments. I've come to love each one of them. There has been some very dark days that I felt I couldn't do this anymore. It's so trying to battle the side of effects of chemo every single day! I know the Lord carried me on those days........definitely one of my greatest blessing. The support of my angel of a husband, family and friends have touched us deeply. We hope that we can reciprocate the kindnessess that we have received. . Indeed, there so much to be grateful for!!

Little Miracles To Be Thankful For.

I can't go to bed tonight without expressing gratitude for little miracles. First miracle of the day......I woke up and wasn't dehydrated. I didn't have to hold on to stuff as I got around. You can't believe how happy that makes me. As I started getting around I noticed I had some energy. Something I have been lacking all week.
I decided to make a grocery list for Easter Sunday dinner and get groceries myself. Duane has been doing all the shopping and I really wanted him to have a break. But before then I made it to the post office, returned a plate, went to the bank and then tackled Costco. My last stop was Safeway. By then my energy was quickly dwindling and knew I needed to get home soon. I was looking for miniature Cadbury eggs, (Denita's favorite). I knew she would be disappointed if she didn't get some. I looked everywhere but couldn't find them. I thought of going to Walmart but I knew I was getting ready to hit the wall. Energy was quickly leaving me. So here was my last little miracle. I asked the Lord to help me find just one package of Cadbury eggs. As I looked down where I had looked before, there they were. One package. I felt like crying. That finished my list and I could go home. I know to some people it's a silly thing but to me it was another reminder that the Lord loves us and cares even about the little things in our lives. "Ask and ye shall receive." I'm so grateful for answered prayers.

Zapped!

I've been surprised at how much treatment # 6 has taken out of me. I have to think about every movement when I walk around. My equilibrium is off and the fatigue so extreme. Every time I get up to walk I have to concentrate in order to keep from falling over.( I definitely cannot chew gum and walk at the same time. )That would take too much concentration! I'm experiencing a rare side effect from the Eloxatin. Dysesthesia in the pharynx and larynx. That started a couple of treatments ago but it's never been as severe as this time. I look forward to my next appointment with my onocologist next Wednesday. This definitely will require some adjustments in my next chemo treatment. This neuropathy causes trouble in swallowing and talking. I have the sensation that I'm not breathing properly. Jaw tightness and feeling pressure in my chest. I thought it was just acid reflux but when Prilosec, Zantac, and Tagament were not phasing it I started looking for another cause. The neuropathy has affected my eyelids. When I wake up I have to send a signal to my eyelids to open. They're not doing it on their own. I have spent the week sleeping and getting fluids every morning. I hope I have some energy back by this Easter weekend. As a friend counseled me recently, I need to just take one day at a time. Again, thank you to my sweet husband for all his support and help and to all my "angels" that buoy me up each day! What a blessing you are to us!

In The Pits With Number 6

I finished my sixth treatment on Friday and by Sunday afternoon it hit me hard. I feel like all the energy has been drained out of my body. After getting fluids today I spent the day in bed too weak to do anything else. I put a call into my brother Sam when I got home from the clinic. I hit the wall mentally and needed a "pep" talk. Years ago he went through a sixth month regimen of chemo and knows exactly what I'm going through. It's days like this that I feel I just can't take another treatment. It's so mentally and physically draining when you don't have "good days" and are struggling each day on how you can relieve this symptom or other. My lastest challenge is the feeling I get after eating that my food is stuck in my throat. At times it creates a panicky feeling that I won't be able to breathe. You just have to wait it through. I'm sure it's the neuropathy from one of the chemo drugs. Sam has counseled me to keep my eyes on the finish line. I'm getting there. Right now I feel like I'm walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Part of you feels like you're dying inside. This experience is really testing me to the max. I hope I won't forget it (which I'm sure I won't) so I can be compassionate and provide comfort to others going through this. I'm hanging on to everything that helps me get through it. Prayer, meditation, my good husband, hearing stories about my grandbabies, and friends. These are my lifesavers that keep me from going under. I just hope I can hold on long enough to make it to the finish line.

48 Hours Till The Halfway Point

This Wednesday I'll get Round 6 which marks the halfway point. I hope my blood counts will be high enough to receive this next chemo treatment but I'm worried. I have not had one single day after Round 5 that I can say "I felt good all day." Each day is a battle against fatigue at varying degrees. I can hit the "wall" suddenly when I feel my legs will collaspe and I'm on the verge of passing out. I'm so tired today and know I have no energy in reserve. I'll do something and then have to sit until I have the energy to get up and do something else. I'm about to give it up and just spend the rest of the day sitting and reading. It worries me to think how this next round will hit me. I don't like the thought of skipping a treatment as I'm so anxious to get to the finish line in June and end this experience which feels like I'm stuck in a "nightmare" at times.
I look forward to tasting food again someday. Everything tastes bland with a little hint of what I remember it used to taste like. Chocolate is out of the question. It tastes so bitter. My favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwiches which I used to eat almost every single lunch time leaves a metallic taste in my mouth. Duane and I have always enjoyed sharing a package of Zingers but they taste like chemicals to me now. I hope I don't balloon out when I finally get my taste buds back.
My hair keeps falling out. I've always had so much hair that if you didn't know how much hair I had before you wouldn't notice the amount I have lost. I wonder if I'll look like a Chia Pet when it starts growing back. The skin on my hands is peeling away from the drugs. I guess that's another side effect. I've had to start my third round of antibiotics for diverticulitis because it keeps coming back. I guess I can take comfort in knowing that the chemo is doing it's job and I hope I don't have to go through this ever again. I look forward to being clear-minded each day and not just here and there. I'm mentally in a haze most of the time and try to appear normal. I've really appreciated the beautiful weather we have been enjoying. It really helps to lift my spirits and I so look forward to enjoying the flowers of spring. Looking for the blessings each day helps me from plunging into depression. Some people say "one day at a time" for me it's "one foot in front of the other" most days.

An "Ah Ha" Moment

The "chemo cloud" started to part today. It's a wonderful thing I start looking forward to since I feel like I'm under the influence of drugs (which I am) most of the time. I sure look forward to someday not feeling this way. I had to go in again for fluids and potassium. This last treatment really wiped my potassium which caused a lot of pain and discomfort in my legs. Today....I'm pain free! Something to rejoice about! Before I forget (which doesn't take much for me to do these days) I recommend Acidopholus for anyone having intestinal problems because of chemo. It's been wonderful. No more diarrhea, constipation or impacted stools. I couldn't go a day without it! As I was getting an IV today, one of our infusion nurses gave me a pamplet on Eloxatin one of my chemotherapy drugs. I've read literature on it before but since I had nothing else to read I thought I would read it again. As I read I thought "why am I on this?" This is not for Stage 1 cancer patients but for Stage III (advanced cancer) patients whose cancer has spread to the lymph nodes. Somehow in the meetings I missed this Stage notice. I asked the nurse to look up my records and verify again what Stage I was at. I'm Stage 3 with is considered an advanced stage. Talk about trying to "wrap my brain" around this new information. But it's had a positive affect and determination for me. The last couple of weeks I've been plotting how I could talk my oncologist into maybe just 8 treatments perhaps 10 at the most. The treatments are taking more and more out of me and I'm scared I won't be able to make it to the end. But today I sealed the determination in my mind to make it to the recommended 12 treatments. Because after Stage 3 is 4 and that's not a very promising one to be at. I considered this information a blessing in disguise today. Gotta gird up again to finish this fight. I have grandbabies I want to spoil and watch them grow up to be the wonderful adults I know they will be. I have our children I love so much and want so much to be a part of their lives on this side of the veil. So I'll press forward with renew determination to win this one. Thank you Kali for a message you left me on my phone. I listen to it every day. Your little voice just lifts me and makes me smile. Thanks again to my husband, family and friends for keeping me going each day. Thank you most of all to my Savior who has not forsaken me especially in my darkest moments and continues to lead me each day. I definitely need Him every hour.

Aftermath of Round 5

Round 5 has wiped me out. I ended up in Urgent Care on Sunday for a couple of bags of fluids and a WBC of 1.4 which doesn't leave me much to fight infection.. Mentally I'm exhausted and constantly fighting going down that dark black hole of depression. Don't have the stamina to deal with family issues coming up and I know it's taking it's toll on those around me. Where do you escape this nightmare?