I'm Feeling Fine On Cloud 9

I'm doing my 9th chemo treatment. I get my pump taken off tomorrow. ONE MORE TO GO!!! YAHOO!!!! I can't believe the difference in side effects since they took me off the Oxaplatin. That was a killer drug. My side effects are so much better. My biggest side effect is fatigue. I tire easily but I'm not spending my time in bed. I have at times shortness of breath when trying to do housework. I still struggle with intestinal problems but I'm assured it will get better when I'm completely finished. Still losing my hair and you can see my scalp now like a little old lady that is going bald. My husband says my hair looks better. No more helmet hair. Can't wait to have my port-a-cath removed not too long after finishing my last treatment. It's been great having it. It has saved my arm veins. But it will be nice to have it out. I'm getting the feeling back in my fingers. They don't tingle like they used too. Hopefully they'll be back to normal when I get back to work.
Sunday night I sat down and read all my previous blog entries. It was very emotional for me. I felt like I was reading about someone else's experience. I can't believe what I have been through.
Many times it felt like I was living a nightmare. It was just a matter of enduring. I know that all the prayers that were offered on my behalf have sustained me. I couldn't have made it without the love and support of family and friends. I've been amazed by the continual emails, cards, flowers that have been sent to keep me going. I'm eternally grateful for the blessings that I have received. I know that our Father in Heaven loves us so much and would never forsake us. We're the ones that forsake Him. I'm so thankful for the tender mercies that the Lord has extended to me on a daily basis. I hope I never forget the lessons I have been taught during this time. It has been one day at a time and one foot in front of the other during some of the most difficult days.

Empathy

Yesterday as I was waiting for my husband to walk out of the clinic (he works at BMC too) so we could have lunch together I noticed a man walking from the parking lot to the back door of the clinic. He was tall and very slender. He was being assisted by his cane and a lady beside him. He looked to be around the same age as myself. As I watched him struggle to walk into the clinic I was overcomed with emotion! I felt so much empathy for him. I wondered if he was a cancer patient too. If he had just finished a treatment and was going in for fluids. In the past I would have looked at him and not thought too much of it but not anymore. He reminded me of the times Duane would pick me up at home because I was too weak to drive to the clinic. He would drop me off at the back door while he would park the car. So many times I would wonder if my "noodle" legs would give out before I made it in. It was such a struggle just to walk. I would feel so discouraged and would cry at times in the waiting room. Sometimes I would look around the waiting room and wonder if anyone was feeling like me. Those were such hard times. With treatment #8 I haven't had to go in for fluids or experience the side effects to the degree I have had with all the other treatments. It's been such a blessing!! Today when I walked our dog I wasn't going at my usual one mile per hour pace but I was able to crank it up to about 2.5/hour. Though I was winded (due to low red blood cell count) it was great! Going through cancer treatment has changed me forever. I hope I'll be able to apply the lessons I have learned to help and comfort others. I don't want this to have been all in vain.

Round 8

It's been three days since I finished my 8th round of chemo. I can't believe the difference. From Monday through Thursday after finishing a treatment, I have had to go to the clinic and get fluids for dehydration. Because they have discontinued one of my chemo drugs I'm feeling better. I was able to go on a drive to Medford on Saturday and didn't feel too bad. I was a bit tired. Today my equilibrium is a little off but my legs don't feel like noodles. I feel a little hazy but not too bad. It's such a blessing not to be in bed all day!!!! Hopefully treatment 9 & 10 will be the same. I can handle it.
I'm still continually amazed by friends and family who keep encouraging me through their phone calls, cards, emails and flowers. A friend from work even gave us a cute little Maltese puppy that is bringing alot of laughter to our family. I'm humbled by their kindness and care. I will never forget this experience and hope to always be comforting to those going through similiar circumstances. Nobody can describe the emotional rollcoaster you go through. Sometimes we have to taste the bitter to appreciate the sweet. In the midst of this trial there was been a lot of sweet! I see the hand of the Lord in my life daily and that's a wonderful blessing to know I'm not alone.

Fear Not I Am With Thee...........

I found a lot of comfort today in a song that we sang at church titled "How Firm A Foundation." when I sang the third verse I felt the Lord was speaking directly to me. I thought I will sing it every time I feel I can't do chemo anymore. It says "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand. " What a comforting message I will cling to to get me through the next three treatments.
I've had mixed emotions this weekend. Next Wednesday I get my eighth chemo treatment. Part of me is so excited. That means that after Wednesday I have two chemo treatments left. The other part of me is dreading it. It seems to me that with each treatment my side effects are getting worst. But what I realized today is that they're not getting worst. I'm becoming mentally exhausted trying to get through each week. I've been told that people "hit the wall" at 8 and quit. I certainly can understand it. It's a challenge not to feel good day in and day out.
The degree varys each day. My daily struggle is extreme fatigue. On a "good" day it's running out of steam too quickly before finishing what I feel I need to accomplish. You're probably wondering why push myself to accomplish anything. Doing things makes me feel like a part of me is back. If it weren't for my family I would probably call it quits at eight. But I know I have to finish.
Tuesday, my husband I celebrate our third anniversary. How quickly three years has gone by!
I'm eternally grateful to God for bringing this kind, loving, compassionate man into my life. I never imagined that we would share this trial in our short married life. The experiences we have gone through and are going through have taught us so much about each other. I can't imagine going through this without Duane by my side. He's my daily "cheerleader" and keeps me from quitting. I'm sure people thought I was crazy when I married him because we discovered each other in January 2005 and were married by April 2005. We officially had been on two dates and the rest was alot of writing and talking on the phone. We knew we had found our best friend. It's like we had been separated for 52 years and had finally been reunited. The first year of marriage we couldn't stop talking just trying to catch up on our lives. I hope Duane never gets cancer!!! But if he ever faces this challenge, I'll know how to help him because of his example in helping me. Honey, I hope you always know how much I love and adore you!! Thanks again for all the times you've just let me cry and vent my frustrations. You are my peace of mind in this crazy world. I LOVE YOU!!

Fatigue.....My Constant Companion

Round seven has left me extremely fatigued! When they dropped Eloxatin I thought the side effects would be get better. The only thing that improved was the neuropathy in my hands. I still have it in my throat and feet. Last Friday the fatigue started setting in. I went to Safeway when they disconnected me from my pump. I ended up falling asleep in the car for 45 minutes before being able to have the energy to get out of the car. Saturday, my husband and I went out for breakfast and thought we run errands afterwards. I stayed in the car while he ran all the errands. Sunday after church I spent the rest of the day in bed and it's been like that since then. I get fluids in the morning and the rest of the day I spend in bed or in the recliner. It takes every thing I have to do anything. These are the days I feel I just can't take another treatment. The accumulative effects get worse. I know it takes it's toll on me mentally and I start feeling so useless not being able to accomplish anything except get dressed. To top it all off my WBC dropped to 1.9. I don't have much to fight an infection so I need to stay away from anyone who is sick.
Three more treatments to go and this nightmare will hopefully be over. I think these last three will be the most difficult. Like my daughter says, " it's not a race, it's a marathon." I just hope I can hang on and finish.