One Year Ago Today........

It was one year ago today that I started my first chemo treatment. I remember sitting in church before going to the clinic to be disconnected from the pump I had to wear for two days after the initial treatment and feeling so nauseated! They administered some anti-nausea medication to help me but it just took the edge off. It's so wonderful to feel good again!!
This past week I had taken time to reflect on last year. The first six months were pretty rough physically. Here are the blessings I have counted this week:
1. I have an incredible husband who was my "rock" and helped me get through some very rough and discouraging days. I would have been hesitant to have shared those days with my kids. I wouldn't have wanted to "scare" them. I am so blessed to have my Duane. He truly is one of my greatest blessings.
2. It was the only time in my life that I didn't have any time demands. The only thing I had to worry about was getting to the clinic for treatments and fluids. Some days I read alot and other days I slept. Now it's back to normal and life is busy. I should have appreciate that time more I suppose but I'll take today!
3. I definitely felt my Savior's love during that time. In the dark hours of the night when I couldn't sleep and I would cry out to Him in frustration for my situation, I know He heard me and comforted me. He would help me remember all my blessings and kept me pressing forward.
4. My testimony of the blessings that come from paying tithing were reinforced time and time again. We always had enough for our needs.
5. I was in awe of the many friends and family who kept sending letters, cards and would visit. I thought that after a month or two they would forget but I had "cheerleaders" all the way to the end.
6. I KNOW that prayers are answered. Maybe not in the way I would want them but they're answered in a way that is best for us.
7. The Lord won't take our afflictions away but he will "support us in our afflictions." I'm so grateful for that.
8. The Lord can take the adversity we suffer and turn it to our good. I feel more compassion for others going through similiar trials.
I'm grateful for good health. I just had a CAT scan and visit with my oncologist a couple of weeks and so far everything looks good. I pray that I won't have to go through this again but if I do I thank my Heavenly Father for never deserting us. All things are possible with Him!

Reaching The Sixth Month Post Mark

It's been 6 months since my last chemo treatment. Wow!!! I can't believe it's gone that fast.
I finally feel like my old self again. I have my energy level back. Since I changed my shift to a later one I can work out in the morning on my treadmill ,before going to work, for an hour at a time.I love it!! I feel energized for the day. My curly hair has not returned and I don't know if it will. I really miss it but oh well. I'm not having many intestinal issues. Thank goodness for Metamucil!
I've almost forgotten many of the symptoms I battled during chemo. One day while rushing through Costco I suddenly remembered that it wasn't that long ago when I didn't think I could make it through that store because I was so weak. I am so grateful for my health and I pray I will be able to keep it. We have a friend that just found out a week ago that he has lung cancer. I feel for him as he faces this difficult challenge. I'm glad that we can be there for him and his wife. I have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season. 2008 has been full of challenges and incredible blessings!! I'm will be eternally grateful that I didn't have to face this alone but I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who walked beside me through this journey through chemo.

Four Months Post Chemotherapy

Can't believe it's been four months since I finished chemo. This past month has been interesting. I started experiencing a lot of pain and constipation. One night Duane had to rush me into ER because of the pain and the fact that none of the laxatives I had consumed in one evening was working. I felt the same sensation that women feel when they start to push a baby out during delivery. My gastroenterologist ordered another colonoscopy and barium procedure to rule out a blockage. Happy to learn that they didn't find anything. My doctor says that stress can trigger these symptoms. Can't deny that there's been extended family issues that have maxed out my stress level. Oh well............such is life.
I realized another side effect that chemo left. I lost my curly hair. Now, I've always wanted straight hair and now that I have it, I miss my curly hair. Maybe it will change back in time.
I started taking Vitamin B Complex because I was dragging in the evening and that seems to help my energy level out.
Other than this, I continue to do well and express my gratitude daily for all my blessings especially for my husband and family. What's that saying, "we might not have it all together, but together we have it all." Isn't that the truth!

Three Months Post Chemotherapy

I just passed the three month mark since my last chemo treatment. I can't believe how fast it has gone by!! I saw my oncologist this past week. My blood tests all came back normal. I get a CAT scan, more blood tests and a colonoscopy in December before I see Dr. Kornfeld again.
My hair is growing back and for the most part I feel healthy. My only real complaint is fatigue. But it's NOTHING like it was while on chemo. It's funny as time passes I start to forget all the symptoms I experience until I talk to a patient who is going through it. My experience has been so helpful when I come across patients going through cancer treatment. I've been able to be a "cheerleader" as many were for me. There's always that fear in the back of my mind that the cancer will return. I suppose that's normal but I try not to dwell on it.
I continue to find joy each day in spite of family challenges. I feel truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is so supportive and loving. Life continues to be good!!

Two Months Post Chemotherapy

It's two months today since my last chemo treatment. I went back to work part time three weeks ago. Next week I start full-time. The feeling in my fingers has returned. It still isn't all back in my feet but it's getting better. I'm able to walk on the treadmill at a 4 mile/hour pace. I can taste food now. Everyday I feel myself getting stronger.
My granddaughter Rylee's birthday was on Saturday. We ended up playing baseball. I surprised myself when I ran around the bases. Just a couple of weeks ago when I tried running I just couldn't. It's funny how with each passing week I start to forget the symptoms I experienced with chemo. I can't believe at times that that's behind me. I'm so happy!!!!! I hope to never have to go through that again.

Sign Of The End Of Chemo

Last Tuesday, I had my port-a-cath removed. I didn't expect to be emotional but I was. It was the physical sign that chemotherapy was over. I have quite a huge bruise from the procedure. I was so apprehensive. They put me under when they inserted it and now I was having it removed in the doctor's office under local anesthetic. I tried to find information on the Internet about the removal procedure but wasn't successful. One of the infusion nurses said it was a
"piece of cake" and I hoped that was true. Well, it was tougher than I thought. The nurse who assisted my surgeon kept saying, " it doesn't want to come out". I could feel the tugging and cutting to the point that the surgeon have to numb it some more. I know if I weren't lying down I would have passed out. I'm so glad my husband was there because he kept trying to distract me but squeezing my foot which he said kept coming up off the table. In short I definitely don't want to do that again unless I'm out completely. I'm so glad it's over!!!!
So far I'm doing well. Regaining some of my energy. Not so short of breath. I'm still losing hair and hopefully that will stop soon. I have a lot of bruises on my feet and legs. It looks like someone beat me up. I'm starting to taste food and that's exciting! I'm just so grateful that I don't have to do chemo anymore. I had to call my husband the other day when I was at Costco. I was so excited that I actually had the energy to grocery shop and not feel that I was going to pass out by the time I got to the checkout. I notice many more things now for which I'm grateful that I would not have noticed before. I'm so excited to see my daughter and grand kids next Tuesday. They'll be visiting for a little over a month from Alaska and I hope to keep up with the grand babies!! There's going to be some celebrating going on!!

Post 10th Chemo Treatment

Well, it's been a week since they unhooked me from the pump. I pray to God that I will never have to go through this again!! It's weird.....when I walked out I felt like I had just finished a very difficult college course and that I got an A. It felt wonderful but I still experienced a lot of mixed emotions. The last 8 months have been by far the most difficult time of my life. It's amazing how limited you can be when you don't have your health. My post chemo symptoms were a little rougher this time but I'm amazed at how much I've been able to accomplish this past week. Yes, by the time I get to bed I totally exhausted but feel so good at what I was able to do each day. Sure there were a few days I relied on Emergen-C to help me out but for the most part I did pretty good. I'm so glad chemo is over. I don't think I can afford to lose anymore eyelashes. My eyebrows thinned out. I look forward to growing some hair back and losing the discoloring in my hands and feet. . It looks like I did a poor job of cleaning them. I look forward to losing the weight I gained from the steroids. All and all I feel so blessed and happy. I'm grateful for my saint of a husband and my loving family. All of us who travel down this road of chemo need cheerleaders to get us to the finish line. I can't believe at times how many people were there encouraging me. They truly blessed me during this trial. May they be blessed for their kindness. Life is good!!

TIME TO CELEBRATE AND GIVE THANKS!!

I just finished my last chemo treatment today! I can't believe I made it. I look back at those days I "hit the wall" and thought I just couldn't do another treatment. I couldn't have done it without the support of my good husband, family and friends. Thank you so much to everyone who cheered me on. I can't wait till my daughter and grandchildren get here later this month from Alaska so we can celebrate as a family. I feel every emotional today. I'm grateful for the Lord's grace in getting me to the finish line. He truly surrounded me with "angels". I pray and hope that this is the end and I won't have to fight cancer again. It's been quite a learning experience.
I look forward to growing some hair back, tasting food again, getting rid of my "moon face", getting energy back, going back to work, not having "chemo" brain, and hopefully not having indigestion problems anymore. I will miss not having any time demands on me. It was nice not to be in a hurry. (Not that I could be) To be able to visit with people and not worry about having to be somewhere.
I never minded waiting at the doctor's office if they were running behind. I had nothing else to do. I will miss the patients I came to know as we shared our experiences in the infusion room during our treatments. I gained strength from them. I look forward to working with patients again in the lab. I feel that this experience has made me more patient and compassionate and look forward to making their experience easier. My heart is full of gratitude for all the many blessings I received. Thanks again to you all!

THE FINISH LINE IS IN SIGHT!!!!!

I can't believe that my last treatment is Tuesday! Wow, what a journey it's been! I start back to work on June 10th. My last treatment was not too bad. I had about four days that I felt I was in a haze and experienced fatigue. Every treatment brings back the neuropathy in my hands and feet, (it never goes away completely) indigestion problems, hair loss, and fatigue. Boy, am I looking forward to getting my taste buds back!!!!
Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit one of my boys who lives in Portland. He had not seen me since last December before I started chemo. He just laughed when he saw my "moon face" caused by steroids. I hope that goes away soon. As I look back at the past 7 months I see the Lord's blessings. I know that He helps us and will use us at His witnesses of what He can do at the end of our trials. I'm so grateful that He blessed me with such a good husband. His love and support during this time has been so precious!! My family has been so supportive. I especially have appreciated all the phone calls with my daughter Jessy. She has kept me going with her funny stories of the grandkids and her love and encouragement. Friends have never cease to call, send emails or visit. I've been humbled by their continuing kindnessess.
I feel that I have grown in patience. I think that's was a byproduct of going through cancer treatment. I definitely have empathy for others that struggle. I don't think I'll ever forget all those days that I struggled to even get dressed, or walk. I had many "one foot in front of the other" days. I will remember the patients I met in the infusion room. Each one with their own story but basically the same physical struggles that I went through. We were in a league of our own. I hope and pray that I'm healed and can put this behind me except for the lessons I've learned that I could not have learned any other way. May the Lord use me to bless others like I've been blessed.

I'm Feeling Fine On Cloud 9

I'm doing my 9th chemo treatment. I get my pump taken off tomorrow. ONE MORE TO GO!!! YAHOO!!!! I can't believe the difference in side effects since they took me off the Oxaplatin. That was a killer drug. My side effects are so much better. My biggest side effect is fatigue. I tire easily but I'm not spending my time in bed. I have at times shortness of breath when trying to do housework. I still struggle with intestinal problems but I'm assured it will get better when I'm completely finished. Still losing my hair and you can see my scalp now like a little old lady that is going bald. My husband says my hair looks better. No more helmet hair. Can't wait to have my port-a-cath removed not too long after finishing my last treatment. It's been great having it. It has saved my arm veins. But it will be nice to have it out. I'm getting the feeling back in my fingers. They don't tingle like they used too. Hopefully they'll be back to normal when I get back to work.
Sunday night I sat down and read all my previous blog entries. It was very emotional for me. I felt like I was reading about someone else's experience. I can't believe what I have been through.
Many times it felt like I was living a nightmare. It was just a matter of enduring. I know that all the prayers that were offered on my behalf have sustained me. I couldn't have made it without the love and support of family and friends. I've been amazed by the continual emails, cards, flowers that have been sent to keep me going. I'm eternally grateful for the blessings that I have received. I know that our Father in Heaven loves us so much and would never forsake us. We're the ones that forsake Him. I'm so thankful for the tender mercies that the Lord has extended to me on a daily basis. I hope I never forget the lessons I have been taught during this time. It has been one day at a time and one foot in front of the other during some of the most difficult days.

Empathy

Yesterday as I was waiting for my husband to walk out of the clinic (he works at BMC too) so we could have lunch together I noticed a man walking from the parking lot to the back door of the clinic. He was tall and very slender. He was being assisted by his cane and a lady beside him. He looked to be around the same age as myself. As I watched him struggle to walk into the clinic I was overcomed with emotion! I felt so much empathy for him. I wondered if he was a cancer patient too. If he had just finished a treatment and was going in for fluids. In the past I would have looked at him and not thought too much of it but not anymore. He reminded me of the times Duane would pick me up at home because I was too weak to drive to the clinic. He would drop me off at the back door while he would park the car. So many times I would wonder if my "noodle" legs would give out before I made it in. It was such a struggle just to walk. I would feel so discouraged and would cry at times in the waiting room. Sometimes I would look around the waiting room and wonder if anyone was feeling like me. Those were such hard times. With treatment #8 I haven't had to go in for fluids or experience the side effects to the degree I have had with all the other treatments. It's been such a blessing!! Today when I walked our dog I wasn't going at my usual one mile per hour pace but I was able to crank it up to about 2.5/hour. Though I was winded (due to low red blood cell count) it was great! Going through cancer treatment has changed me forever. I hope I'll be able to apply the lessons I have learned to help and comfort others. I don't want this to have been all in vain.

Round 8

It's been three days since I finished my 8th round of chemo. I can't believe the difference. From Monday through Thursday after finishing a treatment, I have had to go to the clinic and get fluids for dehydration. Because they have discontinued one of my chemo drugs I'm feeling better. I was able to go on a drive to Medford on Saturday and didn't feel too bad. I was a bit tired. Today my equilibrium is a little off but my legs don't feel like noodles. I feel a little hazy but not too bad. It's such a blessing not to be in bed all day!!!! Hopefully treatment 9 & 10 will be the same. I can handle it.
I'm still continually amazed by friends and family who keep encouraging me through their phone calls, cards, emails and flowers. A friend from work even gave us a cute little Maltese puppy that is bringing alot of laughter to our family. I'm humbled by their kindness and care. I will never forget this experience and hope to always be comforting to those going through similiar circumstances. Nobody can describe the emotional rollcoaster you go through. Sometimes we have to taste the bitter to appreciate the sweet. In the midst of this trial there was been a lot of sweet! I see the hand of the Lord in my life daily and that's a wonderful blessing to know I'm not alone.

Fear Not I Am With Thee...........

I found a lot of comfort today in a song that we sang at church titled "How Firm A Foundation." when I sang the third verse I felt the Lord was speaking directly to me. I thought I will sing it every time I feel I can't do chemo anymore. It says "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand. " What a comforting message I will cling to to get me through the next three treatments.
I've had mixed emotions this weekend. Next Wednesday I get my eighth chemo treatment. Part of me is so excited. That means that after Wednesday I have two chemo treatments left. The other part of me is dreading it. It seems to me that with each treatment my side effects are getting worst. But what I realized today is that they're not getting worst. I'm becoming mentally exhausted trying to get through each week. I've been told that people "hit the wall" at 8 and quit. I certainly can understand it. It's a challenge not to feel good day in and day out.
The degree varys each day. My daily struggle is extreme fatigue. On a "good" day it's running out of steam too quickly before finishing what I feel I need to accomplish. You're probably wondering why push myself to accomplish anything. Doing things makes me feel like a part of me is back. If it weren't for my family I would probably call it quits at eight. But I know I have to finish.
Tuesday, my husband I celebrate our third anniversary. How quickly three years has gone by!
I'm eternally grateful to God for bringing this kind, loving, compassionate man into my life. I never imagined that we would share this trial in our short married life. The experiences we have gone through and are going through have taught us so much about each other. I can't imagine going through this without Duane by my side. He's my daily "cheerleader" and keeps me from quitting. I'm sure people thought I was crazy when I married him because we discovered each other in January 2005 and were married by April 2005. We officially had been on two dates and the rest was alot of writing and talking on the phone. We knew we had found our best friend. It's like we had been separated for 52 years and had finally been reunited. The first year of marriage we couldn't stop talking just trying to catch up on our lives. I hope Duane never gets cancer!!! But if he ever faces this challenge, I'll know how to help him because of his example in helping me. Honey, I hope you always know how much I love and adore you!! Thanks again for all the times you've just let me cry and vent my frustrations. You are my peace of mind in this crazy world. I LOVE YOU!!

Fatigue.....My Constant Companion

Round seven has left me extremely fatigued! When they dropped Eloxatin I thought the side effects would be get better. The only thing that improved was the neuropathy in my hands. I still have it in my throat and feet. Last Friday the fatigue started setting in. I went to Safeway when they disconnected me from my pump. I ended up falling asleep in the car for 45 minutes before being able to have the energy to get out of the car. Saturday, my husband and I went out for breakfast and thought we run errands afterwards. I stayed in the car while he ran all the errands. Sunday after church I spent the rest of the day in bed and it's been like that since then. I get fluids in the morning and the rest of the day I spend in bed or in the recliner. It takes every thing I have to do anything. These are the days I feel I just can't take another treatment. The accumulative effects get worse. I know it takes it's toll on me mentally and I start feeling so useless not being able to accomplish anything except get dressed. To top it all off my WBC dropped to 1.9. I don't have much to fight an infection so I need to stay away from anyone who is sick.
Three more treatments to go and this nightmare will hopefully be over. I think these last three will be the most difficult. Like my daughter says, " it's not a race, it's a marathon." I just hope I can hang on and finish.

Round 7........... And I'm Ecstatic!!

Yesterday I started my seventh chemo treatment and will finish it tomorrow. My husband and I got great news. My onocologist took me off the Eloxatin because the neuropathy in hands, feet and throat has become worst. My fingers are numb as are my lips and the problems with my throat are not fun. I feel like I'm choking or after eating I feel like the food is stuck in my throat. I have a film in my mouth that never goes away and I'm sure that's one of the reasons that I can taste food less and less. So I'm so excited to hopefully get rid of some of these symptoms. Now I'm on the traditional 5Fu and Leucovorin combination. And I only have to do ten treatments!!! I could hardly contain myself. My husband and I just wanted to leave and celebrate for the rest of the day. We're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For the next five years I'll be seeing my oncologist every three months for blood tests, cat scans, and yearly colonoscopies. At the end of five years if they don't find any more cancer I'll be considered cancer free. What a learning experience this has been! I know I'll never be the same after this trial.
As I sat in the infusion room yesterday I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings that we have been showered with since this all began last October. One of my blessings has been to meet incredible, brave patients and hearing their stories. It's a blessing to understand their challenges as we have so much in common in our battle to beat cancer and to be able to try to uplift and encourage each other. The infusion nurses are our angels each week as they try to help us with our side effects and administering our treatments. I've come to love each one of them. There has been some very dark days that I felt I couldn't do this anymore. It's so trying to battle the side of effects of chemo every single day! I know the Lord carried me on those days........definitely one of my greatest blessing. The support of my angel of a husband, family and friends have touched us deeply. We hope that we can reciprocate the kindnessess that we have received. . Indeed, there so much to be grateful for!!

Little Miracles To Be Thankful For.

I can't go to bed tonight without expressing gratitude for little miracles. First miracle of the day......I woke up and wasn't dehydrated. I didn't have to hold on to stuff as I got around. You can't believe how happy that makes me. As I started getting around I noticed I had some energy. Something I have been lacking all week.
I decided to make a grocery list for Easter Sunday dinner and get groceries myself. Duane has been doing all the shopping and I really wanted him to have a break. But before then I made it to the post office, returned a plate, went to the bank and then tackled Costco. My last stop was Safeway. By then my energy was quickly dwindling and knew I needed to get home soon. I was looking for miniature Cadbury eggs, (Denita's favorite). I knew she would be disappointed if she didn't get some. I looked everywhere but couldn't find them. I thought of going to Walmart but I knew I was getting ready to hit the wall. Energy was quickly leaving me. So here was my last little miracle. I asked the Lord to help me find just one package of Cadbury eggs. As I looked down where I had looked before, there they were. One package. I felt like crying. That finished my list and I could go home. I know to some people it's a silly thing but to me it was another reminder that the Lord loves us and cares even about the little things in our lives. "Ask and ye shall receive." I'm so grateful for answered prayers.

Zapped!

I've been surprised at how much treatment # 6 has taken out of me. I have to think about every movement when I walk around. My equilibrium is off and the fatigue so extreme. Every time I get up to walk I have to concentrate in order to keep from falling over.( I definitely cannot chew gum and walk at the same time. )That would take too much concentration! I'm experiencing a rare side effect from the Eloxatin. Dysesthesia in the pharynx and larynx. That started a couple of treatments ago but it's never been as severe as this time. I look forward to my next appointment with my onocologist next Wednesday. This definitely will require some adjustments in my next chemo treatment. This neuropathy causes trouble in swallowing and talking. I have the sensation that I'm not breathing properly. Jaw tightness and feeling pressure in my chest. I thought it was just acid reflux but when Prilosec, Zantac, and Tagament were not phasing it I started looking for another cause. The neuropathy has affected my eyelids. When I wake up I have to send a signal to my eyelids to open. They're not doing it on their own. I have spent the week sleeping and getting fluids every morning. I hope I have some energy back by this Easter weekend. As a friend counseled me recently, I need to just take one day at a time. Again, thank you to my sweet husband for all his support and help and to all my "angels" that buoy me up each day! What a blessing you are to us!

In The Pits With Number 6

I finished my sixth treatment on Friday and by Sunday afternoon it hit me hard. I feel like all the energy has been drained out of my body. After getting fluids today I spent the day in bed too weak to do anything else. I put a call into my brother Sam when I got home from the clinic. I hit the wall mentally and needed a "pep" talk. Years ago he went through a sixth month regimen of chemo and knows exactly what I'm going through. It's days like this that I feel I just can't take another treatment. It's so mentally and physically draining when you don't have "good days" and are struggling each day on how you can relieve this symptom or other. My lastest challenge is the feeling I get after eating that my food is stuck in my throat. At times it creates a panicky feeling that I won't be able to breathe. You just have to wait it through. I'm sure it's the neuropathy from one of the chemo drugs. Sam has counseled me to keep my eyes on the finish line. I'm getting there. Right now I feel like I'm walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Part of you feels like you're dying inside. This experience is really testing me to the max. I hope I won't forget it (which I'm sure I won't) so I can be compassionate and provide comfort to others going through this. I'm hanging on to everything that helps me get through it. Prayer, meditation, my good husband, hearing stories about my grandbabies, and friends. These are my lifesavers that keep me from going under. I just hope I can hold on long enough to make it to the finish line.

48 Hours Till The Halfway Point

This Wednesday I'll get Round 6 which marks the halfway point. I hope my blood counts will be high enough to receive this next chemo treatment but I'm worried. I have not had one single day after Round 5 that I can say "I felt good all day." Each day is a battle against fatigue at varying degrees. I can hit the "wall" suddenly when I feel my legs will collaspe and I'm on the verge of passing out. I'm so tired today and know I have no energy in reserve. I'll do something and then have to sit until I have the energy to get up and do something else. I'm about to give it up and just spend the rest of the day sitting and reading. It worries me to think how this next round will hit me. I don't like the thought of skipping a treatment as I'm so anxious to get to the finish line in June and end this experience which feels like I'm stuck in a "nightmare" at times.
I look forward to tasting food again someday. Everything tastes bland with a little hint of what I remember it used to taste like. Chocolate is out of the question. It tastes so bitter. My favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwiches which I used to eat almost every single lunch time leaves a metallic taste in my mouth. Duane and I have always enjoyed sharing a package of Zingers but they taste like chemicals to me now. I hope I don't balloon out when I finally get my taste buds back.
My hair keeps falling out. I've always had so much hair that if you didn't know how much hair I had before you wouldn't notice the amount I have lost. I wonder if I'll look like a Chia Pet when it starts growing back. The skin on my hands is peeling away from the drugs. I guess that's another side effect. I've had to start my third round of antibiotics for diverticulitis because it keeps coming back. I guess I can take comfort in knowing that the chemo is doing it's job and I hope I don't have to go through this ever again. I look forward to being clear-minded each day and not just here and there. I'm mentally in a haze most of the time and try to appear normal. I've really appreciated the beautiful weather we have been enjoying. It really helps to lift my spirits and I so look forward to enjoying the flowers of spring. Looking for the blessings each day helps me from plunging into depression. Some people say "one day at a time" for me it's "one foot in front of the other" most days.

An "Ah Ha" Moment

The "chemo cloud" started to part today. It's a wonderful thing I start looking forward to since I feel like I'm under the influence of drugs (which I am) most of the time. I sure look forward to someday not feeling this way. I had to go in again for fluids and potassium. This last treatment really wiped my potassium which caused a lot of pain and discomfort in my legs. Today....I'm pain free! Something to rejoice about! Before I forget (which doesn't take much for me to do these days) I recommend Acidopholus for anyone having intestinal problems because of chemo. It's been wonderful. No more diarrhea, constipation or impacted stools. I couldn't go a day without it! As I was getting an IV today, one of our infusion nurses gave me a pamplet on Eloxatin one of my chemotherapy drugs. I've read literature on it before but since I had nothing else to read I thought I would read it again. As I read I thought "why am I on this?" This is not for Stage 1 cancer patients but for Stage III (advanced cancer) patients whose cancer has spread to the lymph nodes. Somehow in the meetings I missed this Stage notice. I asked the nurse to look up my records and verify again what Stage I was at. I'm Stage 3 with is considered an advanced stage. Talk about trying to "wrap my brain" around this new information. But it's had a positive affect and determination for me. The last couple of weeks I've been plotting how I could talk my oncologist into maybe just 8 treatments perhaps 10 at the most. The treatments are taking more and more out of me and I'm scared I won't be able to make it to the end. But today I sealed the determination in my mind to make it to the recommended 12 treatments. Because after Stage 3 is 4 and that's not a very promising one to be at. I considered this information a blessing in disguise today. Gotta gird up again to finish this fight. I have grandbabies I want to spoil and watch them grow up to be the wonderful adults I know they will be. I have our children I love so much and want so much to be a part of their lives on this side of the veil. So I'll press forward with renew determination to win this one. Thank you Kali for a message you left me on my phone. I listen to it every day. Your little voice just lifts me and makes me smile. Thanks again to my husband, family and friends for keeping me going each day. Thank you most of all to my Savior who has not forsaken me especially in my darkest moments and continues to lead me each day. I definitely need Him every hour.