Yesterday I received my third round of chemotherapy. I sat in my car for a little while trying to psyche myself out for this round. I tried to go to my "happy place." It's sitting overlooking Lake Powell in April 2006 with my husband. We sat for a long time, taking pictures, talking about everything but mostly soaking up the wonderful warm sunshine. It felt so peaceful. So I'm going to hold on to that memory and try to go there in my mind when my anxiety level is rising.
I'm a 1/4 of the way through!!! (I'm trying to be positive.) This round has hit me a little harder. The Emend I take for nausea is not being as effective as the last round. The fatigue is worst. Usually the three days I'm on chemo I'm pretty mobile and active because of the steroids I'm getting. I thought I would do a grocery run after my chemo but I was so tired I could barely drive home. The neuropathy in my hands and this time in my throat and face is back. When I tear up it causes a terrible discomfort in my eyes that last for about a minute. (That will teach me not to cry.) My hands feel like they're being poked by thousands of needles. I either have to wear gloves or warm my hands under hot water till that sensation disappears. Everything tastes the same, like NOTHING!! I hope that passes.
I'm starting to do better at not feeling guilty. That's a huge step for me. I've suffered from "feelings of guilt" all my life if I think I'm letting people down for not doing this or that. I know I bring this with me from childhood. I tend to be a caretaker. Maybe this trial is what it will take to change this about me. I can't say it's easy. I never want to be a burden to anyone or feel like I'm putting others out. But I'm starting to ask for help when I need it. Like I've stated before........I feel like something inside of me is dying. Hopefully a new and improved person will emerge when this is over.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Beginning
My journey began last August. I was rejected at American Red Cross because my hematocrit (red blood cell count) was too low. The technician was so adamant that I see my doctor that I decided to heed his advice. I had been feeling a little more tired so I decided not to give into my stubborness and see my doctor. I've enjoyed good health all my life. Dr. Teller set me up to have a colonoscopy.
My father had colon cancer but it never crossed my mind that I would get it too. Of course I was too busy to have it done right away. I had to make a trip to Alaska to help my daughter when our fifth grandchild arrived. I loved spending time with the grandbabies. I finally had the colonoscopy towards the end of October. Wow, if you've ever had one the prep is the worst part!
When my daughter-in-law picked me up after the colonoscopy, the physician told her he had removed a polyp that he was almost 100% sure was benign. I went home that Thursday thinking, "Great, I did it and all is well"!! But, Saturday morning I got a call from my doctor that the biopsy report came back and the polyp was cancerous. He said we would talk the following week. All weekend I thought, "I'm sure it will be okay". "They removed the polyp and they'll just repeat the colonoscopy in a year".
On Monday I got a call to meet with a surgeon on Tuesday. My sweet husband and I met with Dr. Beard. When he said I needed to have a colectomy and quickly explained what that entailed, I just drew a blank. That was the last thing I expected. To top it all off he informed us that I needed to have another colonoscopy because the doctor had not tattooed the area of the colon where he removed the polyp. The surgeon needed to know what part of the colon to remove.
So here I went again. Finally, the Monday after Thanksgiving, I went in for surgery. I could have ran all the way from my house to the hospital. I could not believe how I could feel so good before surgery and could hardly walk the first time they got me out of bed. I tend to be very sensitive to medication so it took me longer to come out of the anesthesia and the pain meds made my heartbeat drop into the 30's. There were a few times that I wondered if I was going to make it. Fear did creep in a few times. I was so thankful that my sweet husband Duane was there to help me through it. He was my advocate with the nurses. My biggest fear came to fruition when I was told a few days later that they had found cancer in one of my lymph nodes so that meant chemotherapy. I cried so much that day. I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I tend to be a planner and I don't do sudden change very well. I have to process things first before accepting change. I learned that surgery was the easiest part of this journey towards being cancer free.
On December 28th I went in to have a port-a-cath put in. Coming out of anesthesia was unpleasant, I felt I could hardly breathe. I didn't know this could be a temporary side effect and I panicked. I kinda like breathing. I was so relieved and thankful when the sensation finally passed.
On January 4, 2008, I was scheduled to receive my first chemotherapy. As the date got closer my anxiety level elevated. I coped by working out and painting the inside trim. Everyday felt like I was being pushed toward a big black hole. Reading the material that Duane had collected for me on the chemo I was going to receive, I wondered if I would live through it. There's so many side effects listed in the pamphlets. I learned later that anything a patient reports as a side effect has to be listed on the drug literature. In the evening of January 3rd I had a "meltdown." My husband was so wonderful, comforting and encouraging me and letting me cry till I couldn't cry anymore. We talked for a long time and I felt so comforted by the Priesthood blessing he gave me. I will be eternally grateful for an angel of a husband. The Lord has truly blessed me when He brought Duane into my life.
The next day we went in together and were pretty upbeat. Ignorance is bliss. I received my first dose of Leucovorin, 5FU, and Oxaliplatin. I was there about four hours and then they hooked me up to a pump that administered more chemo for the next two days. Silly me. I thought, "I'll schedule chemo treatments on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and be ready to go to work on Monday". By Monday I was so nauseated I couldn't stand it. Everyday was a challenge on how I could relieve the nausea. I discovered I couldn't relieve it, just ease the intensity. I also experienced neuropathy in my hands and throat. Handling and drinking cold things was out of the question. (I was warned that if I drank something cold it would feel like I was swallowing cut glass. I made sure I didn't make that mistake). For about three days the only thing I could accomplish was to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and get to the clinic for IV fluids. I became so dehydrated that I had no energy. I became impacted, then had diarrhea. Next, my stomach became very distented. I had a couple of days where I thought, "NO WAY am I going to live like this for the next 6 months. I'll just take my chances. I need to get back to work! I need my routine back!" I felt I needed to get control of this.
In my meeting with Susie, the onocology P.A., she made it clear that if I quit chemo I would risk getting cancer in my liver or lungs. This time she would not be talking about a cure but how to manage it till I passed away. I finally had to "wrap my brain around this." I have to go through this in order to live longer and enjoy my family for a long time. I had to "let go" that I needed to get back to work. I only needed to concentrate on getting through this, focus my concentration on getting through this and nothing more. I had four days that I felt great before the second treatment, when I felt like my old self again. I put 16 miles on my treadmill in those four days and it felt wonderful to feel so good!
On January 17, I got round two. This time it was worse. I couldn't even touch silverware or the knobs on my kitchen cabinets without it hurting my hands, like touching dry ice. My hands would cramp. The nausea was a little more manageable after taking a wonderful, expensive medicaton, Emend. It was worth the $25 for three pills. But, two days after getting unhooked from the pump I could hardly get out of bed. I would get dressed in stages. I had to go in everyday for two bags of fluid. By the afternoon I felt better but would plunge again by morning. I bought Sea-bands for nausea in hopes of not having to take medicine. I've never been big on taking pills. (The Compazine and Ativan make me feel so spacey and I quit taking them). My hair started falling out even though I was told I wouldn't lose my hair though it 'might' thin out. But, I think by the next treatment I will probably lose alot more. Today when I did a load of laundry the lint trap had so much hair. I bought Pedialyte and have been able to drink that. It's so difficult to drink water. I hate the taste of it. The chemo really affects your taste buds. Things that I really enjoyed before do not taste that good to me anymore. A nurse advised me not to eat the foods I love during my chemo because I would despise them even after treatment ended. I found myself a few times sitting by the front window and watching traffic go by. I would look at each driver and wondered if they felt good. I know it sounds weird but I've wondered if anyone felt as bad as I did. Finally, yesterday, (Sunday, Jan. 27), I started feeling better. Today I was able to clean the house, do laundry, and the ironing. Chores that seem like a priviledge to me now. And, I walked 1.8 miles on my treadmill before feeling tired.
Tomorrow, Duane has the day off and we'll get all the shopping done before Wednesday. That will be round 3. Each day I have tried to name my blessings. I cry a lot more often. I feel like a part of me is dying but it's not a bad thing, I feel like I'm going through the Refiner's fire. Hopefully a better person will emerge when this is over. I'm learning to "Let go and let God." To not feel guilty when I don't accomplish anything except to shower and get dressed. I've been so touched by the love of family and friends. Almost every week, people call, send cards, or bring food. I'm so grateful that the Lord has given me such a wonderful husband and family, that I don't have to do this alone. I'm so grateful for my little grandbabies, Caleb, Kali, Mady, Jackson and Rylee. Everytime I think of them it makes me smile. I want so much to be a part of their lives and watch them grow up. Yes, this is definitely the most difficult trial I have ever faced.
I've started this blog at the prompting of my daughter Jessy. Maybe it will help someone else. I don't believe that God gave me cancer. I feel that we're subject to the elements on this earth and it makes us vulnerable. I'm grateful to God that they caught this at Stage I. I hope someday to thank Him for helping me through this trial because I'll be better able to help others. I will never see other cancer patients the same. I truly am developing great compassion for what they go through physically, mentally, and emotionally. I pray that I'll be able to see this to the end.
My father had colon cancer but it never crossed my mind that I would get it too. Of course I was too busy to have it done right away. I had to make a trip to Alaska to help my daughter when our fifth grandchild arrived. I loved spending time with the grandbabies. I finally had the colonoscopy towards the end of October. Wow, if you've ever had one the prep is the worst part!
When my daughter-in-law picked me up after the colonoscopy, the physician told her he had removed a polyp that he was almost 100% sure was benign. I went home that Thursday thinking, "Great, I did it and all is well"!! But, Saturday morning I got a call from my doctor that the biopsy report came back and the polyp was cancerous. He said we would talk the following week. All weekend I thought, "I'm sure it will be okay". "They removed the polyp and they'll just repeat the colonoscopy in a year".
On Monday I got a call to meet with a surgeon on Tuesday. My sweet husband and I met with Dr. Beard. When he said I needed to have a colectomy and quickly explained what that entailed, I just drew a blank. That was the last thing I expected. To top it all off he informed us that I needed to have another colonoscopy because the doctor had not tattooed the area of the colon where he removed the polyp. The surgeon needed to know what part of the colon to remove.
So here I went again. Finally, the Monday after Thanksgiving, I went in for surgery. I could have ran all the way from my house to the hospital. I could not believe how I could feel so good before surgery and could hardly walk the first time they got me out of bed. I tend to be very sensitive to medication so it took me longer to come out of the anesthesia and the pain meds made my heartbeat drop into the 30's. There were a few times that I wondered if I was going to make it. Fear did creep in a few times. I was so thankful that my sweet husband Duane was there to help me through it. He was my advocate with the nurses. My biggest fear came to fruition when I was told a few days later that they had found cancer in one of my lymph nodes so that meant chemotherapy. I cried so much that day. I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I tend to be a planner and I don't do sudden change very well. I have to process things first before accepting change. I learned that surgery was the easiest part of this journey towards being cancer free.
On December 28th I went in to have a port-a-cath put in. Coming out of anesthesia was unpleasant, I felt I could hardly breathe. I didn't know this could be a temporary side effect and I panicked. I kinda like breathing. I was so relieved and thankful when the sensation finally passed.
On January 4, 2008, I was scheduled to receive my first chemotherapy. As the date got closer my anxiety level elevated. I coped by working out and painting the inside trim. Everyday felt like I was being pushed toward a big black hole. Reading the material that Duane had collected for me on the chemo I was going to receive, I wondered if I would live through it. There's so many side effects listed in the pamphlets. I learned later that anything a patient reports as a side effect has to be listed on the drug literature. In the evening of January 3rd I had a "meltdown." My husband was so wonderful, comforting and encouraging me and letting me cry till I couldn't cry anymore. We talked for a long time and I felt so comforted by the Priesthood blessing he gave me. I will be eternally grateful for an angel of a husband. The Lord has truly blessed me when He brought Duane into my life.
The next day we went in together and were pretty upbeat. Ignorance is bliss. I received my first dose of Leucovorin, 5FU, and Oxaliplatin. I was there about four hours and then they hooked me up to a pump that administered more chemo for the next two days. Silly me. I thought, "I'll schedule chemo treatments on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and be ready to go to work on Monday". By Monday I was so nauseated I couldn't stand it. Everyday was a challenge on how I could relieve the nausea. I discovered I couldn't relieve it, just ease the intensity. I also experienced neuropathy in my hands and throat. Handling and drinking cold things was out of the question. (I was warned that if I drank something cold it would feel like I was swallowing cut glass. I made sure I didn't make that mistake). For about three days the only thing I could accomplish was to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and get to the clinic for IV fluids. I became so dehydrated that I had no energy. I became impacted, then had diarrhea. Next, my stomach became very distented. I had a couple of days where I thought, "NO WAY am I going to live like this for the next 6 months. I'll just take my chances. I need to get back to work! I need my routine back!" I felt I needed to get control of this.
In my meeting with Susie, the onocology P.A., she made it clear that if I quit chemo I would risk getting cancer in my liver or lungs. This time she would not be talking about a cure but how to manage it till I passed away. I finally had to "wrap my brain around this." I have to go through this in order to live longer and enjoy my family for a long time. I had to "let go" that I needed to get back to work. I only needed to concentrate on getting through this, focus my concentration on getting through this and nothing more. I had four days that I felt great before the second treatment, when I felt like my old self again. I put 16 miles on my treadmill in those four days and it felt wonderful to feel so good!
On January 17, I got round two. This time it was worse. I couldn't even touch silverware or the knobs on my kitchen cabinets without it hurting my hands, like touching dry ice. My hands would cramp. The nausea was a little more manageable after taking a wonderful, expensive medicaton, Emend. It was worth the $25 for three pills. But, two days after getting unhooked from the pump I could hardly get out of bed. I would get dressed in stages. I had to go in everyday for two bags of fluid. By the afternoon I felt better but would plunge again by morning. I bought Sea-bands for nausea in hopes of not having to take medicine. I've never been big on taking pills. (The Compazine and Ativan make me feel so spacey and I quit taking them). My hair started falling out even though I was told I wouldn't lose my hair though it 'might' thin out. But, I think by the next treatment I will probably lose alot more. Today when I did a load of laundry the lint trap had so much hair. I bought Pedialyte and have been able to drink that. It's so difficult to drink water. I hate the taste of it. The chemo really affects your taste buds. Things that I really enjoyed before do not taste that good to me anymore. A nurse advised me not to eat the foods I love during my chemo because I would despise them even after treatment ended. I found myself a few times sitting by the front window and watching traffic go by. I would look at each driver and wondered if they felt good. I know it sounds weird but I've wondered if anyone felt as bad as I did. Finally, yesterday, (Sunday, Jan. 27), I started feeling better. Today I was able to clean the house, do laundry, and the ironing. Chores that seem like a priviledge to me now. And, I walked 1.8 miles on my treadmill before feeling tired.
Tomorrow, Duane has the day off and we'll get all the shopping done before Wednesday. That will be round 3. Each day I have tried to name my blessings. I cry a lot more often. I feel like a part of me is dying but it's not a bad thing, I feel like I'm going through the Refiner's fire. Hopefully a better person will emerge when this is over. I'm learning to "Let go and let God." To not feel guilty when I don't accomplish anything except to shower and get dressed. I've been so touched by the love of family and friends. Almost every week, people call, send cards, or bring food. I'm so grateful that the Lord has given me such a wonderful husband and family, that I don't have to do this alone. I'm so grateful for my little grandbabies, Caleb, Kali, Mady, Jackson and Rylee. Everytime I think of them it makes me smile. I want so much to be a part of their lives and watch them grow up. Yes, this is definitely the most difficult trial I have ever faced.
I've started this blog at the prompting of my daughter Jessy. Maybe it will help someone else. I don't believe that God gave me cancer. I feel that we're subject to the elements on this earth and it makes us vulnerable. I'm grateful to God that they caught this at Stage I. I hope someday to thank Him for helping me through this trial because I'll be better able to help others. I will never see other cancer patients the same. I truly am developing great compassion for what they go through physically, mentally, and emotionally. I pray that I'll be able to see this to the end.
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