Round 3

Yesterday I received my third round of chemotherapy. I sat in my car for a little while trying to psyche myself out for this round. I tried to go to my "happy place." It's sitting overlooking Lake Powell in April 2006 with my husband. We sat for a long time, taking pictures, talking about everything but mostly soaking up the wonderful warm sunshine. It felt so peaceful. So I'm going to hold on to that memory and try to go there in my mind when my anxiety level is rising.

I'm a 1/4 of the way through!!! (I'm trying to be positive.) This round has hit me a little harder. The Emend I take for nausea is not being as effective as the last round. The fatigue is worst. Usually the three days I'm on chemo I'm pretty mobile and active because of the steroids I'm getting. I thought I would do a grocery run after my chemo but I was so tired I could barely drive home. The neuropathy in my hands and this time in my throat and face is back. When I tear up it causes a terrible discomfort in my eyes that last for about a minute. (That will teach me not to cry.) My hands feel like they're being poked by thousands of needles. I either have to wear gloves or warm my hands under hot water till that sensation disappears. Everything tastes the same, like NOTHING!! I hope that passes.

I'm starting to do better at not feeling guilty. That's a huge step for me. I've suffered from "feelings of guilt" all my life if I think I'm letting people down for not doing this or that. I know I bring this with me from childhood. I tend to be a caretaker. Maybe this trial is what it will take to change this about me. I can't say it's easy. I never want to be a burden to anyone or feel like I'm putting others out. But I'm starting to ask for help when I need it. Like I've stated before........I feel like something inside of me is dying. Hopefully a new and improved person will emerge when this is over.