This is exciting! One more and I'll be at the half way point. They reduced the dosage on one of my meds, Oxaliplatin by ten percent because of the neuropathy in my hands. My fingers are numb and I don't need to completely lose the feeling in my fingers being that I'm a phlebotomist and I need to feel veins. The neuropathy is also causing sensations in my throat like food is stuck and won't get down. It wakes me up at night coughing and trying to catch my breath.
Interesting thing that I've noticed. I start experiencing alot of symptoms that I get when I receive a chemo treatment the day before. I know it's pschyosymatic and wonder how many other patients go through this. I know the symptoms following treatment and it's becoming
easier to just go with the flow. A few days ago I mentally "hit the wall" but with the help of my good husband, family and friends I've gotten my second wind. When I look back at my first two treatments I've come along way. I remember telling my husband, "I'm going to get chemo on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and I'll be back to work on Monday." Boy, did I get my eyes opened!! I could hardly get out of bed on Monday except to go in for fluids for dehydration.
This journey has been a learning experience. I continue to be grateful for the Lord daily tender mercies and grace. Couldn't get through this without all His blessings.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Okay........just one pity party
I've tried not to feel sorry for myself and to focus on all the positive things that have happened to us since this "adventure" with cancer started but today I feel mortal and so I'll vent.
I have had one day since my last treatment that I actually felt good. By good I mean I can walk without feeling dizzy or lightheaded and I actually have energy. Before my last treatment I put 9 miles on my treadmill. This time... zero. I'm getting worried because this Wednesday I go in for #5 treatment and I hate to think how that this one might put me down. Battling one symptom or another each day and trying to figure out what you can do to ease it takes such a toll on you mentally and emotionally. And today I feel mentally drained. Tears flowed very easily these days.........my stress reliever. I worry about my husband and family and how they might be affected and so I try to do a little more than I should and put on a brave front when at times I just want to do nothing. I just want to escape for awhile but can't. I have to lug this body around everywhere I go. I just have to hang in there till June.......God willing. My heart goes out to people to have to battle cancer year after year. What brave souls! I can't imagine doing that. I'm nearing the half way point and I thought "it's downhill after that." But I don't think so. I think it's going to be an "uphill" battle to get to the finish line. Well, enough of this pity party.
I'm grateful for all my "angels" that bouy me up each day. Couldn't do this without you!
I have had one day since my last treatment that I actually felt good. By good I mean I can walk without feeling dizzy or lightheaded and I actually have energy. Before my last treatment I put 9 miles on my treadmill. This time... zero. I'm getting worried because this Wednesday I go in for #5 treatment and I hate to think how that this one might put me down. Battling one symptom or another each day and trying to figure out what you can do to ease it takes such a toll on you mentally and emotionally. And today I feel mentally drained. Tears flowed very easily these days.........my stress reliever. I worry about my husband and family and how they might be affected and so I try to do a little more than I should and put on a brave front when at times I just want to do nothing. I just want to escape for awhile but can't. I have to lug this body around everywhere I go. I just have to hang in there till June.......God willing. My heart goes out to people to have to battle cancer year after year. What brave souls! I can't imagine doing that. I'm nearing the half way point and I thought "it's downhill after that." But I don't think so. I think it's going to be an "uphill" battle to get to the finish line. Well, enough of this pity party.
I'm grateful for all my "angels" that bouy me up each day. Couldn't do this without you!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
What Cancer Cannot Do
Today I received a beautiful silver bracelet from a friend of mine in the lab while I was getting IV fluids for dehydration. I love what it says and thought I share it. I'll wear it each day as a reminder.
Cancer cannot corrode faith, shatter hope, destroy peace, silence courage, invade the soul, steal eternal life, conquer the spirit, cripple love, kill friendship and suppress memories. I love it!
Thank you to all our friends for your support, kind words, and encouragement that help me get through each day. I feel the Lord's angels all around me.
The "chemo cloud" is starting to part today. I feel a little stronger. I can think a little clearer. I had to laugh yesterday. I forced myself to walk to the mailbox. It was too beautiful to not go outside and enjoy some fresh air. I've always enjoyed walking at a fast pace but yesterday my neighbors must have been wondering who the very old lady in the neighborhood was. My pace was so slow I'm sure a turtle could have passed me up. I felt humbled. I looked around and started thanking God for everything I was seeing. I've learned that the more we express our gratitude the more we become aware of His blessings in our lives. I'm so grateful that He loves us just the way we are. (And I'm not looking too good these days.) And yes, Jessy, I'm trying to remember that this is a marathon and not a race.
Cancer cannot corrode faith, shatter hope, destroy peace, silence courage, invade the soul, steal eternal life, conquer the spirit, cripple love, kill friendship and suppress memories. I love it!
Thank you to all our friends for your support, kind words, and encouragement that help me get through each day. I feel the Lord's angels all around me.
The "chemo cloud" is starting to part today. I feel a little stronger. I can think a little clearer. I had to laugh yesterday. I forced myself to walk to the mailbox. It was too beautiful to not go outside and enjoy some fresh air. I've always enjoyed walking at a fast pace but yesterday my neighbors must have been wondering who the very old lady in the neighborhood was. My pace was so slow I'm sure a turtle could have passed me up. I felt humbled. I looked around and started thanking God for everything I was seeing. I've learned that the more we express our gratitude the more we become aware of His blessings in our lives. I'm so grateful that He loves us just the way we are. (And I'm not looking too good these days.) And yes, Jessy, I'm trying to remember that this is a marathon and not a race.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Side Effects........Frustration
What beautiful weather to lift our spirits! I just wish it lift my frustration with the side effects of chemo. It seems with every treatment comes something new. I feel the circulation has been limited to my legs and they just ache. That's neuropathy. I kept waking up last night to move them and get some feeling back to them. When I rolled over I was met with a sharp pain like the ones I experienced during a bout with diverticulitis. I still feel like in a "chemo cloud." When I'm in this cloud I feel like I'm "under the influence" and I'm struggling to appear normal to everyone. I don't feel like I'm thinking very clearly. Just walking around in a haze. I hate it!! The neuropathy makes my legs feel "shaky" when I'm walking around. During my sleep I had the sensation that "explosions" where going off all over my body. I sure hope it's the chemo killing cancer cells!! I'm just praying that the chemo won't permanently damage any of my organs or nerve cells. During these very frustrating days when I wish I could do so many things and don't have the energy or stamina to do them, I try to concentrate on what I can do and be grateful for that. Frustration just keeps getting in my way.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Round 4
I'm a third of the way through my chemo treatments! It's taken me this long to finally accept all the symptoms that come because of the chemo. The "haze" you feel like you're in mentally. Fatigue that becomes extreme at times. Nausea and dehydration. Intestinal problems, either diarrhea or constipation and bloating. Neuropathy in my hands, throat and lips. Not being able to taste much. Nothing really sounds good. You eat because you have too. Insomnia. Cramps in my legs. During the first three treatments I felt like I had lost control of my body. Now that I know what to expect I just go with flow. I know that little by little each day the symptoms will begin to subside and I'll start gaining my strength back until I have 2-3 days that I feel much better before my next treatment. I've come to accept that this is my life right now and this is what I have to do to be cancer free. I'm just so grateful that I don't have a year of treatments just six months. I wonder if someday in the future we'll look back at this time and think that these treatments were the "dark ages." The treatment for cancer in the future might not be so debiliating.
The most difficult thing I had to do this week is to turn in my resignation at work. After being off for three months it's required. My boss is wonderful to hold my position till I can return this summer. But it was hard to take this step turning in my badge and keys. And yet it was a relief that I can put that aside for right now and just concentrate on getting through this. I did used to worry alot about when I could go back to work. Now I feel a burden is lifted for now.
I continue to count my blessing every single day. My heart is filled with gratitude for my husband, family and friends. I'm in awe how every single day someone reaches out to me through emails, visits, phone calls, cards and helps buoy me up. I feel my Savior's love every day. I'm so grateful for the support and prayers. I'm grateful for such a kind, loving husband. This would be such a difficult journey without him by my side. Marrying him was one of the best decisions I ever made and keeping our eyes on the Lord will see us through our trials. I guarantee it!
The most difficult thing I had to do this week is to turn in my resignation at work. After being off for three months it's required. My boss is wonderful to hold my position till I can return this summer. But it was hard to take this step turning in my badge and keys. And yet it was a relief that I can put that aside for right now and just concentrate on getting through this. I did used to worry alot about when I could go back to work. Now I feel a burden is lifted for now.
I continue to count my blessing every single day. My heart is filled with gratitude for my husband, family and friends. I'm in awe how every single day someone reaches out to me through emails, visits, phone calls, cards and helps buoy me up. I feel my Savior's love every day. I'm so grateful for the support and prayers. I'm grateful for such a kind, loving husband. This would be such a difficult journey without him by my side. Marrying him was one of the best decisions I ever made and keeping our eyes on the Lord will see us through our trials. I guarantee it!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A New "Happy Place"
Since my last treatment I've been battling one thing or another. My stress level usually starts going up the day before treatment. So I started my day yesterday on my knees asking the Lord to please help me have a good day to fortify me for what's up ahead. And did He ever bless me!! My husband took half the day off. We made it our day to celebrate Valentine's Day. (Our new tradition, Feb. 12th) We spent the day talking, laughing, went to our favorite restaurant, shopping, and ended our day at the movies. To top it all off the Lord blessed us with a beautiful day. The thermostat in our car read 60 degrees. We opened the sunroof and enjoyed every bit of it. Nothing like a beautiful day to gladden our hearts!! I felt so much joy. . So thankful for my best friend, my husband. This day will be my new "Happy Place" to go to when the going gets rough. I'm ready to take on round four today. The Lord is awesome!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Diver what?
I should have known better. It seems like when I start feeling better something else hits. Oh how I miss my health!! I was having such a good day on Saturday. I was having some problems with my intestinal tract but it seemed like nothing compared to other symptoms. And then it hit.
Saturday night I started having pain. Taking simethicone and Pepto Bismol didn't seem to relieve it. It didn't come in waves. It was constant increasing in intensity until 3:00am I couldn't bear it anymore. I felt so bad to wake up my sweet husband who had only 10 hours of sleep in a three day period because of a death in his family. We headed to the hospital where after x-rays, blood work and a CAT scan I found out I have diverticulitis. Some persons as they get older, develop pouches along the wall of the colon. These pouches are called "diverticuli" and usually cause no symptoms. If the pouches become blocked and inflamed, an infection appears known as "diverticulitis". This causes lower abdominal pain and fever. If not treated it can become a serious condition, causing an abscess to form inside the pouch, which may rupture and spread infection throughout the abdomen. After IV antibiotics and morphine I was sent home with instructions that I should not eat for a couple of days, just liquids, and continue taking my antibiotics. Just when I'm able to taste food better before the next chemo treatment. Do Valentine's cookies come in liquid form? I did sneak a little chicken noodle soup last night because I was so hungry. But it didn't help my stomach.
In the midst of all this I thought about my little pint size angel named Kali. She's my five year old granddaughter. We have a very special relationship. I was a part of her daily life from the time she was born till she was two when her parents moved to Washington. She called me last week to ask how I was doing. She told me that if I came up to Alaska she would take care of me. She would have me sit on the couch, put videos in for me, get me a drink of water, show me where the bathroom is and have me sleep in her bunkbed. Even at the age of five, Kali already knows about compassionate service. Oh how I miss her and her siblings!!!!! I have so much to be grateful for especially for a wonderful husband who never wearies taking care of me and others.
I will never take my health for granted. I look forward to enjoying it again.......someday
Saturday night I started having pain. Taking simethicone and Pepto Bismol didn't seem to relieve it. It didn't come in waves. It was constant increasing in intensity until 3:00am I couldn't bear it anymore. I felt so bad to wake up my sweet husband who had only 10 hours of sleep in a three day period because of a death in his family. We headed to the hospital where after x-rays, blood work and a CAT scan I found out I have diverticulitis. Some persons as they get older, develop pouches along the wall of the colon. These pouches are called "diverticuli" and usually cause no symptoms. If the pouches become blocked and inflamed, an infection appears known as "diverticulitis". This causes lower abdominal pain and fever. If not treated it can become a serious condition, causing an abscess to form inside the pouch, which may rupture and spread infection throughout the abdomen. After IV antibiotics and morphine I was sent home with instructions that I should not eat for a couple of days, just liquids, and continue taking my antibiotics. Just when I'm able to taste food better before the next chemo treatment. Do Valentine's cookies come in liquid form? I did sneak a little chicken noodle soup last night because I was so hungry. But it didn't help my stomach.
In the midst of all this I thought about my little pint size angel named Kali. She's my five year old granddaughter. We have a very special relationship. I was a part of her daily life from the time she was born till she was two when her parents moved to Washington. She called me last week to ask how I was doing. She told me that if I came up to Alaska she would take care of me. She would have me sit on the couch, put videos in for me, get me a drink of water, show me where the bathroom is and have me sleep in her bunkbed. Even at the age of five, Kali already knows about compassionate service. Oh how I miss her and her siblings!!!!! I have so much to be grateful for especially for a wonderful husband who never wearies taking care of me and others.
I will never take my health for granted. I look forward to enjoying it again.......someday
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Relief........even if it's temporary
Oh how I appreciate when I start coming out of the "chemo cloud" as I call it. When I woke up today I quickly took inventory. No nausea, dizziness, extreme fatigue and my legs are not shaky when I walk. I'm still having problems with my intestinal tract but hey I'll take it over the other side effects. I can think clearly and was actually hungry. It's WONDERFUL to have a few days of relief from the effects of chemo. I actually got on my treadmill and walked three miles. It's a cruel tease before they give you your next treatment. But I'm grateful for these precious days when I feel like I'm back amongst the living. I'm grateful, very grateful for these temporary reprieves that help me get ready mentally for the next round. I'm counting my blessings today.....naming them one by one.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Tears.......the great stress reliever
I had to chuckle today. As I was going through my purse I found my little emesis bag. I wouldn't leave home without it now. I was never a Girl Scout but I raised three boys in the scouting program and believe in being prepared.
It's been four days since I finished my last treatment. I spent Saturday and Sunday in bed. The fatigue is overwhelming. On Monday I was back in to get fluids for dehydration and will continue getting them till Thursday. By then I hope to start getting some of my energy back. I don't think I'll regain the energy level I had before chemo until I'm completely finished with treatments.
As I laid in bed I became aware of the stress building up. The frustration of not being able to accomplish anything except taking a shower. My mind felt so hazy I couldn't even think of reading to pass time away. I could feel my body tense up as the frustration built up. What always worked before certainly could not be applied now. I can't get on a treadmill, hike to the top of Pilot Butte to relieve what I was feeling. The only thing left to do was cry. And so I let the tears flow. At first I berated myself. I should just "toughen up." But it was a relief to let those tears flow and emotions out until I was too worn out to be awake anymore and I could sleep.
I told me husband that this road to recovery it going to be paved with a lot of tears. He just hugs me and comforts me. Tears are serving to tenderize my heart for all those going through similiar trials. It was during one of those "stress relieving" moments during the night that I had a thought come to me that said "You can't learn the lessons I have to teach you any other way than this way." As I keep looking for the lessons I'll keep expressing my gratitude for my family, kind friends and especially to know that my Savior has a purpose for me. This is not all in vain.
It's been four days since I finished my last treatment. I spent Saturday and Sunday in bed. The fatigue is overwhelming. On Monday I was back in to get fluids for dehydration and will continue getting them till Thursday. By then I hope to start getting some of my energy back. I don't think I'll regain the energy level I had before chemo until I'm completely finished with treatments.
As I laid in bed I became aware of the stress building up. The frustration of not being able to accomplish anything except taking a shower. My mind felt so hazy I couldn't even think of reading to pass time away. I could feel my body tense up as the frustration built up. What always worked before certainly could not be applied now. I can't get on a treadmill, hike to the top of Pilot Butte to relieve what I was feeling. The only thing left to do was cry. And so I let the tears flow. At first I berated myself. I should just "toughen up." But it was a relief to let those tears flow and emotions out until I was too worn out to be awake anymore and I could sleep.
I told me husband that this road to recovery it going to be paved with a lot of tears. He just hugs me and comforts me. Tears are serving to tenderize my heart for all those going through similiar trials. It was during one of those "stress relieving" moments during the night that I had a thought come to me that said "You can't learn the lessons I have to teach you any other way than this way." As I keep looking for the lessons I'll keep expressing my gratitude for my family, kind friends and especially to know that my Savior has a purpose for me. This is not all in vain.
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