I've tried not to feel sorry for myself and to focus on all the positive things that have happened to us since this "adventure" with cancer started but today I feel mortal and so I'll vent.
I have had one day since my last treatment that I actually felt good. By good I mean I can walk without feeling dizzy or lightheaded and I actually have energy. Before my last treatment I put 9 miles on my treadmill. This time... zero. I'm getting worried because this Wednesday I go in for #5 treatment and I hate to think how that this one might put me down. Battling one symptom or another each day and trying to figure out what you can do to ease it takes such a toll on you mentally and emotionally. And today I feel mentally drained. Tears flowed very easily these days.........my stress reliever. I worry about my husband and family and how they might be affected and so I try to do a little more than I should and put on a brave front when at times I just want to do nothing. I just want to escape for awhile but can't. I have to lug this body around everywhere I go. I just have to hang in there till June.......God willing. My heart goes out to people to have to battle cancer year after year. What brave souls! I can't imagine doing that. I'm nearing the half way point and I thought "it's downhill after that." But I don't think so. I think it's going to be an "uphill" battle to get to the finish line. Well, enough of this pity party.
I'm grateful for all my "angels" that bouy me up each day. Couldn't do this without you!
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It's okay to cry mom. My friend said that when she was running a marathon she started crying 3/4 of the way through because she was so tired and her body wanted to stop but she knew that she didn't train for this for nothing and made it to the finish line. Maybe I should make you a little medal so we can have a little party when you reach your finish line. Plus, I KNOW that Duane would be okay if you just laid around all day. He's so sweet and would never think any less of you. So, what have we learned: 1) Crying is okay, 2) Sleeping all day is okay, 3)Get rid of fake brave face for your family. LET US HELP YOU! Oh, and I love you.
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