Reaching The Sixth Month Post Mark

It's been 6 months since my last chemo treatment. Wow!!! I can't believe it's gone that fast.
I finally feel like my old self again. I have my energy level back. Since I changed my shift to a later one I can work out in the morning on my treadmill ,before going to work, for an hour at a time.I love it!! I feel energized for the day. My curly hair has not returned and I don't know if it will. I really miss it but oh well. I'm not having many intestinal issues. Thank goodness for Metamucil!
I've almost forgotten many of the symptoms I battled during chemo. One day while rushing through Costco I suddenly remembered that it wasn't that long ago when I didn't think I could make it through that store because I was so weak. I am so grateful for my health and I pray I will be able to keep it. We have a friend that just found out a week ago that he has lung cancer. I feel for him as he faces this difficult challenge. I'm glad that we can be there for him and his wife. I have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season. 2008 has been full of challenges and incredible blessings!! I'm will be eternally grateful that I didn't have to face this alone but I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who walked beside me through this journey through chemo.

Four Months Post Chemotherapy

Can't believe it's been four months since I finished chemo. This past month has been interesting. I started experiencing a lot of pain and constipation. One night Duane had to rush me into ER because of the pain and the fact that none of the laxatives I had consumed in one evening was working. I felt the same sensation that women feel when they start to push a baby out during delivery. My gastroenterologist ordered another colonoscopy and barium procedure to rule out a blockage. Happy to learn that they didn't find anything. My doctor says that stress can trigger these symptoms. Can't deny that there's been extended family issues that have maxed out my stress level. Oh well............such is life.
I realized another side effect that chemo left. I lost my curly hair. Now, I've always wanted straight hair and now that I have it, I miss my curly hair. Maybe it will change back in time.
I started taking Vitamin B Complex because I was dragging in the evening and that seems to help my energy level out.
Other than this, I continue to do well and express my gratitude daily for all my blessings especially for my husband and family. What's that saying, "we might not have it all together, but together we have it all." Isn't that the truth!

Three Months Post Chemotherapy

I just passed the three month mark since my last chemo treatment. I can't believe how fast it has gone by!! I saw my oncologist this past week. My blood tests all came back normal. I get a CAT scan, more blood tests and a colonoscopy in December before I see Dr. Kornfeld again.
My hair is growing back and for the most part I feel healthy. My only real complaint is fatigue. But it's NOTHING like it was while on chemo. It's funny as time passes I start to forget all the symptoms I experience until I talk to a patient who is going through it. My experience has been so helpful when I come across patients going through cancer treatment. I've been able to be a "cheerleader" as many were for me. There's always that fear in the back of my mind that the cancer will return. I suppose that's normal but I try not to dwell on it.
I continue to find joy each day in spite of family challenges. I feel truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is so supportive and loving. Life continues to be good!!

Two Months Post Chemotherapy

It's two months today since my last chemo treatment. I went back to work part time three weeks ago. Next week I start full-time. The feeling in my fingers has returned. It still isn't all back in my feet but it's getting better. I'm able to walk on the treadmill at a 4 mile/hour pace. I can taste food now. Everyday I feel myself getting stronger.
My granddaughter Rylee's birthday was on Saturday. We ended up playing baseball. I surprised myself when I ran around the bases. Just a couple of weeks ago when I tried running I just couldn't. It's funny how with each passing week I start to forget the symptoms I experienced with chemo. I can't believe at times that that's behind me. I'm so happy!!!!! I hope to never have to go through that again.

Sign Of The End Of Chemo

Last Tuesday, I had my port-a-cath removed. I didn't expect to be emotional but I was. It was the physical sign that chemotherapy was over. I have quite a huge bruise from the procedure. I was so apprehensive. They put me under when they inserted it and now I was having it removed in the doctor's office under local anesthetic. I tried to find information on the Internet about the removal procedure but wasn't successful. One of the infusion nurses said it was a
"piece of cake" and I hoped that was true. Well, it was tougher than I thought. The nurse who assisted my surgeon kept saying, " it doesn't want to come out". I could feel the tugging and cutting to the point that the surgeon have to numb it some more. I know if I weren't lying down I would have passed out. I'm so glad my husband was there because he kept trying to distract me but squeezing my foot which he said kept coming up off the table. In short I definitely don't want to do that again unless I'm out completely. I'm so glad it's over!!!!
So far I'm doing well. Regaining some of my energy. Not so short of breath. I'm still losing hair and hopefully that will stop soon. I have a lot of bruises on my feet and legs. It looks like someone beat me up. I'm starting to taste food and that's exciting! I'm just so grateful that I don't have to do chemo anymore. I had to call my husband the other day when I was at Costco. I was so excited that I actually had the energy to grocery shop and not feel that I was going to pass out by the time I got to the checkout. I notice many more things now for which I'm grateful that I would not have noticed before. I'm so excited to see my daughter and grand kids next Tuesday. They'll be visiting for a little over a month from Alaska and I hope to keep up with the grand babies!! There's going to be some celebrating going on!!

Post 10th Chemo Treatment

Well, it's been a week since they unhooked me from the pump. I pray to God that I will never have to go through this again!! It's weird.....when I walked out I felt like I had just finished a very difficult college course and that I got an A. It felt wonderful but I still experienced a lot of mixed emotions. The last 8 months have been by far the most difficult time of my life. It's amazing how limited you can be when you don't have your health. My post chemo symptoms were a little rougher this time but I'm amazed at how much I've been able to accomplish this past week. Yes, by the time I get to bed I totally exhausted but feel so good at what I was able to do each day. Sure there were a few days I relied on Emergen-C to help me out but for the most part I did pretty good. I'm so glad chemo is over. I don't think I can afford to lose anymore eyelashes. My eyebrows thinned out. I look forward to growing some hair back and losing the discoloring in my hands and feet. . It looks like I did a poor job of cleaning them. I look forward to losing the weight I gained from the steroids. All and all I feel so blessed and happy. I'm grateful for my saint of a husband and my loving family. All of us who travel down this road of chemo need cheerleaders to get us to the finish line. I can't believe at times how many people were there encouraging me. They truly blessed me during this trial. May they be blessed for their kindness. Life is good!!

TIME TO CELEBRATE AND GIVE THANKS!!

I just finished my last chemo treatment today! I can't believe I made it. I look back at those days I "hit the wall" and thought I just couldn't do another treatment. I couldn't have done it without the support of my good husband, family and friends. Thank you so much to everyone who cheered me on. I can't wait till my daughter and grandchildren get here later this month from Alaska so we can celebrate as a family. I feel every emotional today. I'm grateful for the Lord's grace in getting me to the finish line. He truly surrounded me with "angels". I pray and hope that this is the end and I won't have to fight cancer again. It's been quite a learning experience.
I look forward to growing some hair back, tasting food again, getting rid of my "moon face", getting energy back, going back to work, not having "chemo" brain, and hopefully not having indigestion problems anymore. I will miss not having any time demands on me. It was nice not to be in a hurry. (Not that I could be) To be able to visit with people and not worry about having to be somewhere.
I never minded waiting at the doctor's office if they were running behind. I had nothing else to do. I will miss the patients I came to know as we shared our experiences in the infusion room during our treatments. I gained strength from them. I look forward to working with patients again in the lab. I feel that this experience has made me more patient and compassionate and look forward to making their experience easier. My heart is full of gratitude for all the many blessings I received. Thanks again to you all!

THE FINISH LINE IS IN SIGHT!!!!!

I can't believe that my last treatment is Tuesday! Wow, what a journey it's been! I start back to work on June 10th. My last treatment was not too bad. I had about four days that I felt I was in a haze and experienced fatigue. Every treatment brings back the neuropathy in my hands and feet, (it never goes away completely) indigestion problems, hair loss, and fatigue. Boy, am I looking forward to getting my taste buds back!!!!
Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit one of my boys who lives in Portland. He had not seen me since last December before I started chemo. He just laughed when he saw my "moon face" caused by steroids. I hope that goes away soon. As I look back at the past 7 months I see the Lord's blessings. I know that He helps us and will use us at His witnesses of what He can do at the end of our trials. I'm so grateful that He blessed me with such a good husband. His love and support during this time has been so precious!! My family has been so supportive. I especially have appreciated all the phone calls with my daughter Jessy. She has kept me going with her funny stories of the grandkids and her love and encouragement. Friends have never cease to call, send emails or visit. I've been humbled by their continuing kindnessess.
I feel that I have grown in patience. I think that's was a byproduct of going through cancer treatment. I definitely have empathy for others that struggle. I don't think I'll ever forget all those days that I struggled to even get dressed, or walk. I had many "one foot in front of the other" days. I will remember the patients I met in the infusion room. Each one with their own story but basically the same physical struggles that I went through. We were in a league of our own. I hope and pray that I'm healed and can put this behind me except for the lessons I've learned that I could not have learned any other way. May the Lord use me to bless others like I've been blessed.

I'm Feeling Fine On Cloud 9

I'm doing my 9th chemo treatment. I get my pump taken off tomorrow. ONE MORE TO GO!!! YAHOO!!!! I can't believe the difference in side effects since they took me off the Oxaplatin. That was a killer drug. My side effects are so much better. My biggest side effect is fatigue. I tire easily but I'm not spending my time in bed. I have at times shortness of breath when trying to do housework. I still struggle with intestinal problems but I'm assured it will get better when I'm completely finished. Still losing my hair and you can see my scalp now like a little old lady that is going bald. My husband says my hair looks better. No more helmet hair. Can't wait to have my port-a-cath removed not too long after finishing my last treatment. It's been great having it. It has saved my arm veins. But it will be nice to have it out. I'm getting the feeling back in my fingers. They don't tingle like they used too. Hopefully they'll be back to normal when I get back to work.
Sunday night I sat down and read all my previous blog entries. It was very emotional for me. I felt like I was reading about someone else's experience. I can't believe what I have been through.
Many times it felt like I was living a nightmare. It was just a matter of enduring. I know that all the prayers that were offered on my behalf have sustained me. I couldn't have made it without the love and support of family and friends. I've been amazed by the continual emails, cards, flowers that have been sent to keep me going. I'm eternally grateful for the blessings that I have received. I know that our Father in Heaven loves us so much and would never forsake us. We're the ones that forsake Him. I'm so thankful for the tender mercies that the Lord has extended to me on a daily basis. I hope I never forget the lessons I have been taught during this time. It has been one day at a time and one foot in front of the other during some of the most difficult days.

Empathy

Yesterday as I was waiting for my husband to walk out of the clinic (he works at BMC too) so we could have lunch together I noticed a man walking from the parking lot to the back door of the clinic. He was tall and very slender. He was being assisted by his cane and a lady beside him. He looked to be around the same age as myself. As I watched him struggle to walk into the clinic I was overcomed with emotion! I felt so much empathy for him. I wondered if he was a cancer patient too. If he had just finished a treatment and was going in for fluids. In the past I would have looked at him and not thought too much of it but not anymore. He reminded me of the times Duane would pick me up at home because I was too weak to drive to the clinic. He would drop me off at the back door while he would park the car. So many times I would wonder if my "noodle" legs would give out before I made it in. It was such a struggle just to walk. I would feel so discouraged and would cry at times in the waiting room. Sometimes I would look around the waiting room and wonder if anyone was feeling like me. Those were such hard times. With treatment #8 I haven't had to go in for fluids or experience the side effects to the degree I have had with all the other treatments. It's been such a blessing!! Today when I walked our dog I wasn't going at my usual one mile per hour pace but I was able to crank it up to about 2.5/hour. Though I was winded (due to low red blood cell count) it was great! Going through cancer treatment has changed me forever. I hope I'll be able to apply the lessons I have learned to help and comfort others. I don't want this to have been all in vain.

Round 8

It's been three days since I finished my 8th round of chemo. I can't believe the difference. From Monday through Thursday after finishing a treatment, I have had to go to the clinic and get fluids for dehydration. Because they have discontinued one of my chemo drugs I'm feeling better. I was able to go on a drive to Medford on Saturday and didn't feel too bad. I was a bit tired. Today my equilibrium is a little off but my legs don't feel like noodles. I feel a little hazy but not too bad. It's such a blessing not to be in bed all day!!!! Hopefully treatment 9 & 10 will be the same. I can handle it.
I'm still continually amazed by friends and family who keep encouraging me through their phone calls, cards, emails and flowers. A friend from work even gave us a cute little Maltese puppy that is bringing alot of laughter to our family. I'm humbled by their kindness and care. I will never forget this experience and hope to always be comforting to those going through similiar circumstances. Nobody can describe the emotional rollcoaster you go through. Sometimes we have to taste the bitter to appreciate the sweet. In the midst of this trial there was been a lot of sweet! I see the hand of the Lord in my life daily and that's a wonderful blessing to know I'm not alone.

Fear Not I Am With Thee...........

I found a lot of comfort today in a song that we sang at church titled "How Firm A Foundation." when I sang the third verse I felt the Lord was speaking directly to me. I thought I will sing it every time I feel I can't do chemo anymore. It says "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand. " What a comforting message I will cling to to get me through the next three treatments.
I've had mixed emotions this weekend. Next Wednesday I get my eighth chemo treatment. Part of me is so excited. That means that after Wednesday I have two chemo treatments left. The other part of me is dreading it. It seems to me that with each treatment my side effects are getting worst. But what I realized today is that they're not getting worst. I'm becoming mentally exhausted trying to get through each week. I've been told that people "hit the wall" at 8 and quit. I certainly can understand it. It's a challenge not to feel good day in and day out.
The degree varys each day. My daily struggle is extreme fatigue. On a "good" day it's running out of steam too quickly before finishing what I feel I need to accomplish. You're probably wondering why push myself to accomplish anything. Doing things makes me feel like a part of me is back. If it weren't for my family I would probably call it quits at eight. But I know I have to finish.
Tuesday, my husband I celebrate our third anniversary. How quickly three years has gone by!
I'm eternally grateful to God for bringing this kind, loving, compassionate man into my life. I never imagined that we would share this trial in our short married life. The experiences we have gone through and are going through have taught us so much about each other. I can't imagine going through this without Duane by my side. He's my daily "cheerleader" and keeps me from quitting. I'm sure people thought I was crazy when I married him because we discovered each other in January 2005 and were married by April 2005. We officially had been on two dates and the rest was alot of writing and talking on the phone. We knew we had found our best friend. It's like we had been separated for 52 years and had finally been reunited. The first year of marriage we couldn't stop talking just trying to catch up on our lives. I hope Duane never gets cancer!!! But if he ever faces this challenge, I'll know how to help him because of his example in helping me. Honey, I hope you always know how much I love and adore you!! Thanks again for all the times you've just let me cry and vent my frustrations. You are my peace of mind in this crazy world. I LOVE YOU!!

Fatigue.....My Constant Companion

Round seven has left me extremely fatigued! When they dropped Eloxatin I thought the side effects would be get better. The only thing that improved was the neuropathy in my hands. I still have it in my throat and feet. Last Friday the fatigue started setting in. I went to Safeway when they disconnected me from my pump. I ended up falling asleep in the car for 45 minutes before being able to have the energy to get out of the car. Saturday, my husband and I went out for breakfast and thought we run errands afterwards. I stayed in the car while he ran all the errands. Sunday after church I spent the rest of the day in bed and it's been like that since then. I get fluids in the morning and the rest of the day I spend in bed or in the recliner. It takes every thing I have to do anything. These are the days I feel I just can't take another treatment. The accumulative effects get worse. I know it takes it's toll on me mentally and I start feeling so useless not being able to accomplish anything except get dressed. To top it all off my WBC dropped to 1.9. I don't have much to fight an infection so I need to stay away from anyone who is sick.
Three more treatments to go and this nightmare will hopefully be over. I think these last three will be the most difficult. Like my daughter says, " it's not a race, it's a marathon." I just hope I can hang on and finish.

Round 7........... And I'm Ecstatic!!

Yesterday I started my seventh chemo treatment and will finish it tomorrow. My husband and I got great news. My onocologist took me off the Eloxatin because the neuropathy in hands, feet and throat has become worst. My fingers are numb as are my lips and the problems with my throat are not fun. I feel like I'm choking or after eating I feel like the food is stuck in my throat. I have a film in my mouth that never goes away and I'm sure that's one of the reasons that I can taste food less and less. So I'm so excited to hopefully get rid of some of these symptoms. Now I'm on the traditional 5Fu and Leucovorin combination. And I only have to do ten treatments!!! I could hardly contain myself. My husband and I just wanted to leave and celebrate for the rest of the day. We're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For the next five years I'll be seeing my oncologist every three months for blood tests, cat scans, and yearly colonoscopies. At the end of five years if they don't find any more cancer I'll be considered cancer free. What a learning experience this has been! I know I'll never be the same after this trial.
As I sat in the infusion room yesterday I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings that we have been showered with since this all began last October. One of my blessings has been to meet incredible, brave patients and hearing their stories. It's a blessing to understand their challenges as we have so much in common in our battle to beat cancer and to be able to try to uplift and encourage each other. The infusion nurses are our angels each week as they try to help us with our side effects and administering our treatments. I've come to love each one of them. There has been some very dark days that I felt I couldn't do this anymore. It's so trying to battle the side of effects of chemo every single day! I know the Lord carried me on those days........definitely one of my greatest blessing. The support of my angel of a husband, family and friends have touched us deeply. We hope that we can reciprocate the kindnessess that we have received. . Indeed, there so much to be grateful for!!

Little Miracles To Be Thankful For.

I can't go to bed tonight without expressing gratitude for little miracles. First miracle of the day......I woke up and wasn't dehydrated. I didn't have to hold on to stuff as I got around. You can't believe how happy that makes me. As I started getting around I noticed I had some energy. Something I have been lacking all week.
I decided to make a grocery list for Easter Sunday dinner and get groceries myself. Duane has been doing all the shopping and I really wanted him to have a break. But before then I made it to the post office, returned a plate, went to the bank and then tackled Costco. My last stop was Safeway. By then my energy was quickly dwindling and knew I needed to get home soon. I was looking for miniature Cadbury eggs, (Denita's favorite). I knew she would be disappointed if she didn't get some. I looked everywhere but couldn't find them. I thought of going to Walmart but I knew I was getting ready to hit the wall. Energy was quickly leaving me. So here was my last little miracle. I asked the Lord to help me find just one package of Cadbury eggs. As I looked down where I had looked before, there they were. One package. I felt like crying. That finished my list and I could go home. I know to some people it's a silly thing but to me it was another reminder that the Lord loves us and cares even about the little things in our lives. "Ask and ye shall receive." I'm so grateful for answered prayers.

Zapped!

I've been surprised at how much treatment # 6 has taken out of me. I have to think about every movement when I walk around. My equilibrium is off and the fatigue so extreme. Every time I get up to walk I have to concentrate in order to keep from falling over.( I definitely cannot chew gum and walk at the same time. )That would take too much concentration! I'm experiencing a rare side effect from the Eloxatin. Dysesthesia in the pharynx and larynx. That started a couple of treatments ago but it's never been as severe as this time. I look forward to my next appointment with my onocologist next Wednesday. This definitely will require some adjustments in my next chemo treatment. This neuropathy causes trouble in swallowing and talking. I have the sensation that I'm not breathing properly. Jaw tightness and feeling pressure in my chest. I thought it was just acid reflux but when Prilosec, Zantac, and Tagament were not phasing it I started looking for another cause. The neuropathy has affected my eyelids. When I wake up I have to send a signal to my eyelids to open. They're not doing it on their own. I have spent the week sleeping and getting fluids every morning. I hope I have some energy back by this Easter weekend. As a friend counseled me recently, I need to just take one day at a time. Again, thank you to my sweet husband for all his support and help and to all my "angels" that buoy me up each day! What a blessing you are to us!

In The Pits With Number 6

I finished my sixth treatment on Friday and by Sunday afternoon it hit me hard. I feel like all the energy has been drained out of my body. After getting fluids today I spent the day in bed too weak to do anything else. I put a call into my brother Sam when I got home from the clinic. I hit the wall mentally and needed a "pep" talk. Years ago he went through a sixth month regimen of chemo and knows exactly what I'm going through. It's days like this that I feel I just can't take another treatment. It's so mentally and physically draining when you don't have "good days" and are struggling each day on how you can relieve this symptom or other. My lastest challenge is the feeling I get after eating that my food is stuck in my throat. At times it creates a panicky feeling that I won't be able to breathe. You just have to wait it through. I'm sure it's the neuropathy from one of the chemo drugs. Sam has counseled me to keep my eyes on the finish line. I'm getting there. Right now I feel like I'm walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Part of you feels like you're dying inside. This experience is really testing me to the max. I hope I won't forget it (which I'm sure I won't) so I can be compassionate and provide comfort to others going through this. I'm hanging on to everything that helps me get through it. Prayer, meditation, my good husband, hearing stories about my grandbabies, and friends. These are my lifesavers that keep me from going under. I just hope I can hold on long enough to make it to the finish line.

48 Hours Till The Halfway Point

This Wednesday I'll get Round 6 which marks the halfway point. I hope my blood counts will be high enough to receive this next chemo treatment but I'm worried. I have not had one single day after Round 5 that I can say "I felt good all day." Each day is a battle against fatigue at varying degrees. I can hit the "wall" suddenly when I feel my legs will collaspe and I'm on the verge of passing out. I'm so tired today and know I have no energy in reserve. I'll do something and then have to sit until I have the energy to get up and do something else. I'm about to give it up and just spend the rest of the day sitting and reading. It worries me to think how this next round will hit me. I don't like the thought of skipping a treatment as I'm so anxious to get to the finish line in June and end this experience which feels like I'm stuck in a "nightmare" at times.
I look forward to tasting food again someday. Everything tastes bland with a little hint of what I remember it used to taste like. Chocolate is out of the question. It tastes so bitter. My favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwiches which I used to eat almost every single lunch time leaves a metallic taste in my mouth. Duane and I have always enjoyed sharing a package of Zingers but they taste like chemicals to me now. I hope I don't balloon out when I finally get my taste buds back.
My hair keeps falling out. I've always had so much hair that if you didn't know how much hair I had before you wouldn't notice the amount I have lost. I wonder if I'll look like a Chia Pet when it starts growing back. The skin on my hands is peeling away from the drugs. I guess that's another side effect. I've had to start my third round of antibiotics for diverticulitis because it keeps coming back. I guess I can take comfort in knowing that the chemo is doing it's job and I hope I don't have to go through this ever again. I look forward to being clear-minded each day and not just here and there. I'm mentally in a haze most of the time and try to appear normal. I've really appreciated the beautiful weather we have been enjoying. It really helps to lift my spirits and I so look forward to enjoying the flowers of spring. Looking for the blessings each day helps me from plunging into depression. Some people say "one day at a time" for me it's "one foot in front of the other" most days.

An "Ah Ha" Moment

The "chemo cloud" started to part today. It's a wonderful thing I start looking forward to since I feel like I'm under the influence of drugs (which I am) most of the time. I sure look forward to someday not feeling this way. I had to go in again for fluids and potassium. This last treatment really wiped my potassium which caused a lot of pain and discomfort in my legs. Today....I'm pain free! Something to rejoice about! Before I forget (which doesn't take much for me to do these days) I recommend Acidopholus for anyone having intestinal problems because of chemo. It's been wonderful. No more diarrhea, constipation or impacted stools. I couldn't go a day without it! As I was getting an IV today, one of our infusion nurses gave me a pamplet on Eloxatin one of my chemotherapy drugs. I've read literature on it before but since I had nothing else to read I thought I would read it again. As I read I thought "why am I on this?" This is not for Stage 1 cancer patients but for Stage III (advanced cancer) patients whose cancer has spread to the lymph nodes. Somehow in the meetings I missed this Stage notice. I asked the nurse to look up my records and verify again what Stage I was at. I'm Stage 3 with is considered an advanced stage. Talk about trying to "wrap my brain" around this new information. But it's had a positive affect and determination for me. The last couple of weeks I've been plotting how I could talk my oncologist into maybe just 8 treatments perhaps 10 at the most. The treatments are taking more and more out of me and I'm scared I won't be able to make it to the end. But today I sealed the determination in my mind to make it to the recommended 12 treatments. Because after Stage 3 is 4 and that's not a very promising one to be at. I considered this information a blessing in disguise today. Gotta gird up again to finish this fight. I have grandbabies I want to spoil and watch them grow up to be the wonderful adults I know they will be. I have our children I love so much and want so much to be a part of their lives on this side of the veil. So I'll press forward with renew determination to win this one. Thank you Kali for a message you left me on my phone. I listen to it every day. Your little voice just lifts me and makes me smile. Thanks again to my husband, family and friends for keeping me going each day. Thank you most of all to my Savior who has not forsaken me especially in my darkest moments and continues to lead me each day. I definitely need Him every hour.

Aftermath of Round 5

Round 5 has wiped me out. I ended up in Urgent Care on Sunday for a couple of bags of fluids and a WBC of 1.4 which doesn't leave me much to fight infection.. Mentally I'm exhausted and constantly fighting going down that dark black hole of depression. Don't have the stamina to deal with family issues coming up and I know it's taking it's toll on those around me. Where do you escape this nightmare?

Round 5

This is exciting! One more and I'll be at the half way point. They reduced the dosage on one of my meds, Oxaliplatin by ten percent because of the neuropathy in my hands. My fingers are numb and I don't need to completely lose the feeling in my fingers being that I'm a phlebotomist and I need to feel veins. The neuropathy is also causing sensations in my throat like food is stuck and won't get down. It wakes me up at night coughing and trying to catch my breath.
Interesting thing that I've noticed. I start experiencing alot of symptoms that I get when I receive a chemo treatment the day before. I know it's pschyosymatic and wonder how many other patients go through this. I know the symptoms following treatment and it's becoming
easier to just go with the flow. A few days ago I mentally "hit the wall" but with the help of my good husband, family and friends I've gotten my second wind. When I look back at my first two treatments I've come along way. I remember telling my husband, "I'm going to get chemo on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and I'll be back to work on Monday." Boy, did I get my eyes opened!! I could hardly get out of bed on Monday except to go in for fluids for dehydration.
This journey has been a learning experience. I continue to be grateful for the Lord daily tender mercies and grace. Couldn't get through this without all His blessings.

Okay........just one pity party

I've tried not to feel sorry for myself and to focus on all the positive things that have happened to us since this "adventure" with cancer started but today I feel mortal and so I'll vent.
I have had one day since my last treatment that I actually felt good. By good I mean I can walk without feeling dizzy or lightheaded and I actually have energy. Before my last treatment I put 9 miles on my treadmill. This time... zero. I'm getting worried because this Wednesday I go in for #5 treatment and I hate to think how that this one might put me down. Battling one symptom or another each day and trying to figure out what you can do to ease it takes such a toll on you mentally and emotionally. And today I feel mentally drained. Tears flowed very easily these days.........my stress reliever. I worry about my husband and family and how they might be affected and so I try to do a little more than I should and put on a brave front when at times I just want to do nothing. I just want to escape for awhile but can't. I have to lug this body around everywhere I go. I just have to hang in there till June.......God willing. My heart goes out to people to have to battle cancer year after year. What brave souls! I can't imagine doing that. I'm nearing the half way point and I thought "it's downhill after that." But I don't think so. I think it's going to be an "uphill" battle to get to the finish line. Well, enough of this pity party.
I'm grateful for all my "angels" that bouy me up each day. Couldn't do this without you!

What Cancer Cannot Do

Today I received a beautiful silver bracelet from a friend of mine in the lab while I was getting IV fluids for dehydration. I love what it says and thought I share it. I'll wear it each day as a reminder.
Cancer cannot corrode faith, shatter hope, destroy peace, silence courage, invade the soul, steal eternal life, conquer the spirit, cripple love, kill friendship and suppress memories. I love it!
Thank you to all our friends for your support, kind words, and encouragement that help me get through each day. I feel the Lord's angels all around me.
The "chemo cloud" is starting to part today. I feel a little stronger. I can think a little clearer. I had to laugh yesterday. I forced myself to walk to the mailbox. It was too beautiful to not go outside and enjoy some fresh air. I've always enjoyed walking at a fast pace but yesterday my neighbors must have been wondering who the very old lady in the neighborhood was. My pace was so slow I'm sure a turtle could have passed me up. I felt humbled. I looked around and started thanking God for everything I was seeing. I've learned that the more we express our gratitude the more we become aware of His blessings in our lives. I'm so grateful that He loves us just the way we are. (And I'm not looking too good these days.) And yes, Jessy, I'm trying to remember that this is a marathon and not a race.

Side Effects........Frustration

What beautiful weather to lift our spirits! I just wish it lift my frustration with the side effects of chemo. It seems with every treatment comes something new. I feel the circulation has been limited to my legs and they just ache. That's neuropathy. I kept waking up last night to move them and get some feeling back to them. When I rolled over I was met with a sharp pain like the ones I experienced during a bout with diverticulitis. I still feel like in a "chemo cloud." When I'm in this cloud I feel like I'm "under the influence" and I'm struggling to appear normal to everyone. I don't feel like I'm thinking very clearly. Just walking around in a haze. I hate it!! The neuropathy makes my legs feel "shaky" when I'm walking around. During my sleep I had the sensation that "explosions" where going off all over my body. I sure hope it's the chemo killing cancer cells!! I'm just praying that the chemo won't permanently damage any of my organs or nerve cells. During these very frustrating days when I wish I could do so many things and don't have the energy or stamina to do them, I try to concentrate on what I can do and be grateful for that. Frustration just keeps getting in my way.

Round 4

I'm a third of the way through my chemo treatments! It's taken me this long to finally accept all the symptoms that come because of the chemo. The "haze" you feel like you're in mentally. Fatigue that becomes extreme at times. Nausea and dehydration. Intestinal problems, either diarrhea or constipation and bloating. Neuropathy in my hands, throat and lips. Not being able to taste much. Nothing really sounds good. You eat because you have too. Insomnia. Cramps in my legs. During the first three treatments I felt like I had lost control of my body. Now that I know what to expect I just go with flow. I know that little by little each day the symptoms will begin to subside and I'll start gaining my strength back until I have 2-3 days that I feel much better before my next treatment. I've come to accept that this is my life right now and this is what I have to do to be cancer free. I'm just so grateful that I don't have a year of treatments just six months. I wonder if someday in the future we'll look back at this time and think that these treatments were the "dark ages." The treatment for cancer in the future might not be so debiliating.
The most difficult thing I had to do this week is to turn in my resignation at work. After being off for three months it's required. My boss is wonderful to hold my position till I can return this summer. But it was hard to take this step turning in my badge and keys. And yet it was a relief that I can put that aside for right now and just concentrate on getting through this. I did used to worry alot about when I could go back to work. Now I feel a burden is lifted for now.
I continue to count my blessing every single day. My heart is filled with gratitude for my husband, family and friends. I'm in awe how every single day someone reaches out to me through emails, visits, phone calls, cards and helps buoy me up. I feel my Savior's love every day. I'm so grateful for the support and prayers. I'm grateful for such a kind, loving husband. This would be such a difficult journey without him by my side. Marrying him was one of the best decisions I ever made and keeping our eyes on the Lord will see us through our trials. I guarantee it!

A New "Happy Place"

Since my last treatment I've been battling one thing or another. My stress level usually starts going up the day before treatment. So I started my day yesterday on my knees asking the Lord to please help me have a good day to fortify me for what's up ahead. And did He ever bless me!! My husband took half the day off. We made it our day to celebrate Valentine's Day. (Our new tradition, Feb. 12th) We spent the day talking, laughing, went to our favorite restaurant, shopping, and ended our day at the movies. To top it all off the Lord blessed us with a beautiful day. The thermostat in our car read 60 degrees. We opened the sunroof and enjoyed every bit of it. Nothing like a beautiful day to gladden our hearts!! I felt so much joy. . So thankful for my best friend, my husband. This day will be my new "Happy Place" to go to when the going gets rough. I'm ready to take on round four today. The Lord is awesome!

Diver what?

I should have known better. It seems like when I start feeling better something else hits. Oh how I miss my health!! I was having such a good day on Saturday. I was having some problems with my intestinal tract but it seemed like nothing compared to other symptoms. And then it hit.
Saturday night I started having pain. Taking simethicone and Pepto Bismol didn't seem to relieve it. It didn't come in waves. It was constant increasing in intensity until 3:00am I couldn't bear it anymore. I felt so bad to wake up my sweet husband who had only 10 hours of sleep in a three day period because of a death in his family. We headed to the hospital where after x-rays, blood work and a CAT scan I found out I have diverticulitis. Some persons as they get older, develop pouches along the wall of the colon. These pouches are called "diverticuli" and usually cause no symptoms. If the pouches become blocked and inflamed, an infection appears known as "diverticulitis". This causes lower abdominal pain and fever. If not treated it can become a serious condition, causing an abscess to form inside the pouch, which may rupture and spread infection throughout the abdomen. After IV antibiotics and morphine I was sent home with instructions that I should not eat for a couple of days, just liquids, and continue taking my antibiotics. Just when I'm able to taste food better before the next chemo treatment. Do Valentine's cookies come in liquid form? I did sneak a little chicken noodle soup last night because I was so hungry. But it didn't help my stomach.
In the midst of all this I thought about my little pint size angel named Kali. She's my five year old granddaughter. We have a very special relationship. I was a part of her daily life from the time she was born till she was two when her parents moved to Washington. She called me last week to ask how I was doing. She told me that if I came up to Alaska she would take care of me. She would have me sit on the couch, put videos in for me, get me a drink of water, show me where the bathroom is and have me sleep in her bunkbed. Even at the age of five, Kali already knows about compassionate service. Oh how I miss her and her siblings!!!!! I have so much to be grateful for especially for a wonderful husband who never wearies taking care of me and others.
I will never take my health for granted. I look forward to enjoying it again.......someday

Relief........even if it's temporary

Oh how I appreciate when I start coming out of the "chemo cloud" as I call it. When I woke up today I quickly took inventory. No nausea, dizziness, extreme fatigue and my legs are not shaky when I walk. I'm still having problems with my intestinal tract but hey I'll take it over the other side effects. I can think clearly and was actually hungry. It's WONDERFUL to have a few days of relief from the effects of chemo. I actually got on my treadmill and walked three miles. It's a cruel tease before they give you your next treatment. But I'm grateful for these precious days when I feel like I'm back amongst the living. I'm grateful, very grateful for these temporary reprieves that help me get ready mentally for the next round. I'm counting my blessings today.....naming them one by one.

Tears.......the great stress reliever

I had to chuckle today. As I was going through my purse I found my little emesis bag. I wouldn't leave home without it now. I was never a Girl Scout but I raised three boys in the scouting program and believe in being prepared.
It's been four days since I finished my last treatment. I spent Saturday and Sunday in bed. The fatigue is overwhelming. On Monday I was back in to get fluids for dehydration and will continue getting them till Thursday. By then I hope to start getting some of my energy back. I don't think I'll regain the energy level I had before chemo until I'm completely finished with treatments.
As I laid in bed I became aware of the stress building up. The frustration of not being able to accomplish anything except taking a shower. My mind felt so hazy I couldn't even think of reading to pass time away. I could feel my body tense up as the frustration built up. What always worked before certainly could not be applied now. I can't get on a treadmill, hike to the top of Pilot Butte to relieve what I was feeling. The only thing left to do was cry. And so I let the tears flow. At first I berated myself. I should just "toughen up." But it was a relief to let those tears flow and emotions out until I was too worn out to be awake anymore and I could sleep.
I told me husband that this road to recovery it going to be paved with a lot of tears. He just hugs me and comforts me. Tears are serving to tenderize my heart for all those going through similiar trials. It was during one of those "stress relieving" moments during the night that I had a thought come to me that said "You can't learn the lessons I have to teach you any other way than this way." As I keep looking for the lessons I'll keep expressing my gratitude for my family, kind friends and especially to know that my Savior has a purpose for me. This is not all in vain.

Round 3

Yesterday I received my third round of chemotherapy. I sat in my car for a little while trying to psyche myself out for this round. I tried to go to my "happy place." It's sitting overlooking Lake Powell in April 2006 with my husband. We sat for a long time, taking pictures, talking about everything but mostly soaking up the wonderful warm sunshine. It felt so peaceful. So I'm going to hold on to that memory and try to go there in my mind when my anxiety level is rising.

I'm a 1/4 of the way through!!! (I'm trying to be positive.) This round has hit me a little harder. The Emend I take for nausea is not being as effective as the last round. The fatigue is worst. Usually the three days I'm on chemo I'm pretty mobile and active because of the steroids I'm getting. I thought I would do a grocery run after my chemo but I was so tired I could barely drive home. The neuropathy in my hands and this time in my throat and face is back. When I tear up it causes a terrible discomfort in my eyes that last for about a minute. (That will teach me not to cry.) My hands feel like they're being poked by thousands of needles. I either have to wear gloves or warm my hands under hot water till that sensation disappears. Everything tastes the same, like NOTHING!! I hope that passes.

I'm starting to do better at not feeling guilty. That's a huge step for me. I've suffered from "feelings of guilt" all my life if I think I'm letting people down for not doing this or that. I know I bring this with me from childhood. I tend to be a caretaker. Maybe this trial is what it will take to change this about me. I can't say it's easy. I never want to be a burden to anyone or feel like I'm putting others out. But I'm starting to ask for help when I need it. Like I've stated before........I feel like something inside of me is dying. Hopefully a new and improved person will emerge when this is over.

The Beginning

My journey began last August. I was rejected at American Red Cross because my hematocrit (red blood cell count) was too low. The technician was so adamant that I see my doctor that I decided to heed his advice. I had been feeling a little more tired so I decided not to give into my stubborness and see my doctor. I've enjoyed good health all my life. Dr. Teller set me up to have a colonoscopy.

My father had colon cancer but it never crossed my mind that I would get it too. Of course I was too busy to have it done right away. I had to make a trip to Alaska to help my daughter when our fifth grandchild arrived. I loved spending time with the grandbabies. I finally had the colonoscopy towards the end of October. Wow, if you've ever had one the prep is the worst part!

When my daughter-in-law picked me up after the colonoscopy, the physician told her he had removed a polyp that he was almost 100% sure was benign. I went home that Thursday thinking, "Great, I did it and all is well"!! But, Saturday morning I got a call from my doctor that the biopsy report came back and the polyp was cancerous. He said we would talk the following week. All weekend I thought, "I'm sure it will be okay". "They removed the polyp and they'll just repeat the colonoscopy in a year".

On Monday I got a call to meet with a surgeon on Tuesday. My sweet husband and I met with Dr. Beard. When he said I needed to have a colectomy and quickly explained what that entailed, I just drew a blank. That was the last thing I expected. To top it all off he informed us that I needed to have another colonoscopy because the doctor had not tattooed the area of the colon where he removed the polyp. The surgeon needed to know what part of the colon to remove.

So here I went again. Finally, the Monday after Thanksgiving, I went in for surgery. I could have ran all the way from my house to the hospital. I could not believe how I could feel so good before surgery and could hardly walk the first time they got me out of bed. I tend to be very sensitive to medication so it took me longer to come out of the anesthesia and the pain meds made my heartbeat drop into the 30's. There were a few times that I wondered if I was going to make it. Fear did creep in a few times. I was so thankful that my sweet husband Duane was there to help me through it. He was my advocate with the nurses. My biggest fear came to fruition when I was told a few days later that they had found cancer in one of my lymph nodes so that meant chemotherapy. I cried so much that day. I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I tend to be a planner and I don't do sudden change very well. I have to process things first before accepting change. I learned that surgery was the easiest part of this journey towards being cancer free.

On December 28th I went in to have a port-a-cath put in. Coming out of anesthesia was unpleasant, I felt I could hardly breathe. I didn't know this could be a temporary side effect and I panicked. I kinda like breathing. I was so relieved and thankful when the sensation finally passed.

On January 4, 2008, I was scheduled to receive my first chemotherapy. As the date got closer my anxiety level elevated. I coped by working out and painting the inside trim. Everyday felt like I was being pushed toward a big black hole. Reading the material that Duane had collected for me on the chemo I was going to receive, I wondered if I would live through it. There's so many side effects listed in the pamphlets. I learned later that anything a patient reports as a side effect has to be listed on the drug literature. In the evening of January 3rd I had a "meltdown." My husband was so wonderful, comforting and encouraging me and letting me cry till I couldn't cry anymore. We talked for a long time and I felt so comforted by the Priesthood blessing he gave me. I will be eternally grateful for an angel of a husband. The Lord has truly blessed me when He brought Duane into my life.

The next day we went in together and were pretty upbeat. Ignorance is bliss. I received my first dose of Leucovorin, 5FU, and Oxaliplatin. I was there about four hours and then they hooked me up to a pump that administered more chemo for the next two days. Silly me. I thought, "I'll schedule chemo treatments on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and be ready to go to work on Monday". By Monday I was so nauseated I couldn't stand it. Everyday was a challenge on how I could relieve the nausea. I discovered I couldn't relieve it, just ease the intensity. I also experienced neuropathy in my hands and throat. Handling and drinking cold things was out of the question. (I was warned that if I drank something cold it would feel like I was swallowing cut glass. I made sure I didn't make that mistake). For about three days the only thing I could accomplish was to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and get to the clinic for IV fluids. I became so dehydrated that I had no energy. I became impacted, then had diarrhea. Next, my stomach became very distented. I had a couple of days where I thought, "NO WAY am I going to live like this for the next 6 months. I'll just take my chances. I need to get back to work! I need my routine back!" I felt I needed to get control of this.

In my meeting with Susie, the onocology P.A., she made it clear that if I quit chemo I would risk getting cancer in my liver or lungs. This time she would not be talking about a cure but how to manage it till I passed away. I finally had to "wrap my brain around this." I have to go through this in order to live longer and enjoy my family for a long time. I had to "let go" that I needed to get back to work. I only needed to concentrate on getting through this, focus my concentration on getting through this and nothing more. I had four days that I felt great before the second treatment, when I felt like my old self again. I put 16 miles on my treadmill in those four days and it felt wonderful to feel so good!

On January 17, I got round two. This time it was worse. I couldn't even touch silverware or the knobs on my kitchen cabinets without it hurting my hands, like touching dry ice. My hands would cramp. The nausea was a little more manageable after taking a wonderful, expensive medicaton, Emend. It was worth the $25 for three pills. But, two days after getting unhooked from the pump I could hardly get out of bed. I would get dressed in stages. I had to go in everyday for two bags of fluid. By the afternoon I felt better but would plunge again by morning. I bought Sea-bands for nausea in hopes of not having to take medicine. I've never been big on taking pills. (The Compazine and Ativan make me feel so spacey and I quit taking them). My hair started falling out even though I was told I wouldn't lose my hair though it 'might' thin out. But, I think by the next treatment I will probably lose alot more. Today when I did a load of laundry the lint trap had so much hair. I bought Pedialyte and have been able to drink that. It's so difficult to drink water. I hate the taste of it. The chemo really affects your taste buds. Things that I really enjoyed before do not taste that good to me anymore. A nurse advised me not to eat the foods I love during my chemo because I would despise them even after treatment ended. I found myself a few times sitting by the front window and watching traffic go by. I would look at each driver and wondered if they felt good. I know it sounds weird but I've wondered if anyone felt as bad as I did. Finally, yesterday, (Sunday, Jan. 27), I started feeling better. Today I was able to clean the house, do laundry, and the ironing. Chores that seem like a priviledge to me now. And, I walked 1.8 miles on my treadmill before feeling tired.

Tomorrow, Duane has the day off and we'll get all the shopping done before Wednesday. That will be round 3. Each day I have tried to name my blessings. I cry a lot more often. I feel like a part of me is dying but it's not a bad thing, I feel like I'm going through the Refiner's fire. Hopefully a better person will emerge when this is over. I'm learning to "Let go and let God." To not feel guilty when I don't accomplish anything except to shower and get dressed. I've been so touched by the love of family and friends. Almost every week, people call, send cards, or bring food. I'm so grateful that the Lord has given me such a wonderful husband and family, that I don't have to do this alone. I'm so grateful for my little grandbabies, Caleb, Kali, Mady, Jackson and Rylee. Everytime I think of them it makes me smile. I want so much to be a part of their lives and watch them grow up. Yes, this is definitely the most difficult trial I have ever faced.

I've started this blog at the prompting of my daughter Jessy. Maybe it will help someone else. I don't believe that God gave me cancer. I feel that we're subject to the elements on this earth and it makes us vulnerable. I'm grateful to God that they caught this at Stage I. I hope someday to thank Him for helping me through this trial because I'll be better able to help others. I will never see other cancer patients the same. I truly am developing great compassion for what they go through physically, mentally, and emotionally. I pray that I'll be able to see this to the end.